Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Numb. Over this Cycle. Blah.

Do you ever feel like you're right on the cusp of starting something really big, but you just can't get there. Literally, the starting line is right in front of you and it's like something is pulling you back.

This past month, I've felt "numb". I can't explain it. Technically, I had some sort of pregnancy this cycle, even though I never saw a BFP, my blood test said it was there. I haven't cried. Not once. A few months ago I couldn't make it through the day without bursting into tears. Whether it be in the car, sitting at my desk at work, at home...

Now nothing. It's like I don't feel anything. I'm on cycle day f'ing 54. FIFTY FOUR! They stopped doing betas once my numbers went under 10. So I have no idea where I am. They said I would start a period this week and I have absolutely no signs that is the case. It's frustrating.

I just want to move on. To something. Anything.

CCRM had asked me if my cycles were regular I could go ahead and schedule my one day work up. Um...no, at present time, they are not. So I'm still sitting here...waiting.

My last actual fertility treatment was in November when I did IUI #2. That feels like a million years ago. In diminished ovarian reserve time, it probably is. I've been told I'm in the 4th quarter, with absolutely no time outs, that I need to get moving.

Yet, here I sit. Still.


15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry my friend and honestly HATE sometimes posting about Drew on my blog only because I know there are blog friends out there like yourself that are struggling to conceive. I won't give any dumb advice because I haven't been in your shoes, but wanted to let you know I will keep you in my thoughts. Maybe the change in weather and seasons will bring good news. :)

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  2. Oh gosh Susanna I remember when numbness hit me too. I had my "best try" last Sept- I had 8 freaking follies on an injectables cycles, great IUI numbers, super estrogen... and I got AF and felt nothing. The numbness is worse than the tears, IMO. I'm so sorry you are here. I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

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  3. I'm so sorry - I totally know how you feel about wanting to just move on to the next step, but having to wait around for it to actually start. I also know the feelings of sadness and numbness as well :( You're not alone with those feelings and while I know that's not helpful to hear, I hope it at least provides some comfort. I'm hoping that your next cycle starts VERY soon so that you can get the ODWU scheduled! xoxo

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  4. Oh Suzanne, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It's frustrating enough to have to wait through the "normal" stuff (time to begin drugs, in between drugs and ovulation, tww, etc. etc.). It is even worse when it's something that we have no idea when it will end and can move on to the next step. I know how you feel with the numbness, it really does almost suck more than the tears. I really hope that things start looking up soon and that you are able start the IVF protocol really, really soon. As always, you're in my prayers *hugs*

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  5. ughhh! FIFTY-FOUR?!?!?! I'm so sorry Suzanne! I can't imagine being one teeny tiny step away from CCRM, and yet being unable to actually get there! Super hopeful that your doctor is right, that the period is on the way, and that your ODWU will be soon! And I'm so sorry for your loss! Regardless of the numbers or colors on HPT's, its terrible to come so close. I'm so sorry friend!

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  6. xxxx's I have "been" there with crazy cycles etc...I am in the middle of one my self-- bleh- FX fot things to smooth out so you can get a move on with your new plan!

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  7. Sounds like you are totally burnt out. I felt the same way after my ectopic. I looked back and realized it was basically a waste of 4 months of my life. And as you said, that's like a year when you're dealing with DOR knocking at your damn door. Sometimes it just gets to be so much, that tears just won't even do your feelings justice, so why even go there ya know? I get it.

    I hope AF shows up soon so you can stop feeling stuck and move on. Have you thought about maybe going to acupuncture to get things moving and clearing out faster?

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    1. Oh yeah. I've been doing weekly acupuncture. I go tomorrow, maybe he'll jumpstart things with his magic ways. Here's hoping. :)

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  8. I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. I think it hurts too much to feel anything, so you just don't. I remember being there a few cycles ago, I just felt dead inside and going through the motions. I am so sorry your cycle has been so long and so horrible. I just hope this nightmare is over soon so you can proceed with CCRM. I have a great feeling that they are going to work out great for you and I think once you get AF and know that this is truly over, you will start to feel again, especially when you start to get hope. *hugs* Hang in there!

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  9. I've been feeling it too. The numbness. I told my friend yesterday that l just want to blackout, wake up a year later and be holding my baby. I'm done caring.

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear this. I too have been dealing with infertility issues (brought on by my miscarriage and D&C last year). It just sucks...Know that you're not alone and I'm hoping that you get some good news this spring!

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  11. Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I agree with most of the ladies that say numbness is probably worst than crying. You just dont know where to go or think about the situation. I hope everything clears up for u so u can start ur new treatment at CCRM.

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  12. Waiting is the worst! I'm currently impatiently waiting for AF, too. I hope it comes soon for both of us, so we can move on to new cycles and new treatments!

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  13. Suz--I sent you a PM/invite on BC with some thoughts. Akundera

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  14. Oh, how FRUSTRATING! This waiting stuff is always a challenge but I can see how the DOR would make it that much harder...so much harder. Hoping that you are through this stage soon.

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