Saturday, November 17, 2012

My cruel universe

So this weekend is my low point. I keeping wishing these few days off of my calendar for good, so far, no such luck.

4 years ago, at 6 pm, on November 17th, I chatted with my mom on the phone about Thanksgiving. We talked about us coming to her instead of her coming to our house, she wasn't feeling well. The next morning I woke up to find that my mom was gone, she had died at 1:30 am, November 18th. Most likely a blood clot caused by the chemo she was taking.

I am her only child. So there isn't anyone to share the loneliness of this day. So as everyone else moves on with their lives, here I am, remembering what November 17th and 18th means to me.

Last fall, I was pregnant. I was scheduled to see the heart beat of our baby on November 18th. I remember telling T a few days before the appointment that everything had to be fine. The universe wouldn't be that cruel.

Unfortunately, I underestimated the universe. That was the day that we found out about our blighted ovum, that lead to our subsequent D&C's and ultimately, on the journey that we are still on.

November 18th, is not my friend. I don't even want to acknowledge it. Especially since even after all of that, I believed that a BFP would still happen. So many times over those difficult months, my husband told me, don't worry, 2012 will be our year. Here we are, November 18th and this has been far from our year. Don't get me wrong. T has certainly gave me many happy moments, but at the end of the day, I feel lost. Lost without my mother to help me through these struggles and lost with the constant disappointment month after month of that negative pregnancy test.

I remember a time, very recent, that each month, I had such high hopes of a BFP. I think the worst part of where I am right now, is that I no longer have those hopes or expectations. Right now, I miss that hope. I miss that I should have a 4 month old right now. I miss my mom.


8 comments:

  1. Oh my god hun. I totally get it. September is that month for me. My dad died in September, my grandfather died in September & I was raped during the month of September. Don't want up be a downer here, but I totally get how one moment in time can be totally controlled by a few horrid events that will forever change the course of our exsistance. I have no relationship with any of my family and my dad was truely my best friend. My thoughts and love are with you and I know how you feel.

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  2. Oh wow. I am so sorry. You most certainly do understand. Hopefully we can both get on a more positive road very soon! xo

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    1. That's what I'm saying!! We deserve it. As do all the women in this community. Heres to changing those patterns. Thinking of you today. XOXO

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  3. I am so sorry Suzanne. I wish I could say something to make this all better. Don't give up hope though, you've been with the RE for a little while and there's still a chance you could get that BFP this year! It's ain't over yet. Big, big hugs to you!! I do know what you mean by missing the hope and excitement of TTC. I'm hoping that by the end of the year there will be excitement over your BFP.

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  4. Big hugs Suzanne. I'm so sorry for your losses. There are no words. I'm thinking of you on this terrible anniversary.

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  5. Hugs! I know the pain you are feeling. Whether it's a birthday or the anniversary, the pain never goes away. The fact you had 2 suffer to losses in November is definitely cruel. This universe has a strange way of doing things, but I know that one day it will repay you with pure happiness of your sticky BFP :)

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  6. I'm so sorry for your losses. Nov 18 is a terrible day for me as well...we lost our second baby on that day :( Hard to believe it's a been a year already. Thinking of you during this difficult time!

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  7. Suzanne, my heart goes out to you. I hope you've made it through the weekend ok. I know what you mean about losing hope. I started doing the same thing that past few cycles...constantly doing things to protect myself & not allowing myself to believe anymore because it hurt too badly to be let down again. I really hope you can find a place in your heart to start believing again. I know it's hard, but I really feel it's only a matter of time before you get that baby of your dreams. Stay strong girlie. Sending huge hugs and kisses your way. I know it sucks having no mom too, but she's with you watching from above and routing for you every single step of the way! xoxo

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