Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Highs and Lows of Hell

It's been a while since I updated (at least by my standards). I think a big reason for that is just where I've been emotionally the past week. Each time I've logged into write a post, I've started, then stopped. I don't want my blog to always be gloom and doom. I want it to be cute, funny, sweet and yes, a little gloomy. The past few weeks, I've felt pretty dark. I've been bitter, angry, frustrated and sad. Not just in regards to TTC, but just in general, to friends and family. I always knew that this journey can take you to some low places and I think I hit mine. (Lets hope that was the low, sheesh!) So now that I've gotten that off my chest, lets move on, shall we!?

So yesterday, 18 dpo, I finally got AF. It's crazy how you dread for her to show up for most of the month, but then it gets to a point where I'm literally pleading with the inside of my toilet bowl to show signs she's here. Once she's here, I get to move ON! So, here we are officially cycle day 2.

Now lets get to the drama that happened when she arrived. I called my RE's office and spoke to the nurse. Since this was starting mid-afternoon, she said, oh, just call me tomorrow when you have full flow for a day and dismissed me, hanging up quickly. I have been in a panic since that call. Here's why: 

(TMI warning)

Ever since I was on Clomid May-July, I haven't had a normal period. It starts on cd 1, where I will go tinkle, and there will be blood that will drip in the toilet and when I wipe. I will not need a tampon, pad or liner, because once I'm off the toilet, it doesn't do anything until I need to tinkle again, then repeat, and so forth. CD 2, will be spotting to very light, again only when I'm tinkling and wiping. This will continue through cd 3-5. These are my cycles. They're very consistent. So...

Today I called again, at the brink of tears, basically saying I need someone to listen to me. My cycles aren't normal and I believe this could be my biggest issue, relating to lining and so forth. Every cycle they've said that on Letrozole (Femara) you don't need as thick of lining, but maybe that's people that have normal lining to begin with. They've poo-poo'd my request for estrogen supplements. Well finally, after a long conversation with the nurse, I think she finally understands. Which means...

Yesterday was cycle day 1. Tonight I start the Femara and tomorrow morning I go in for my baseline u/s. They want to see if my lining is thick or thin, confirming whether this is truly the only period I'm going to get. They are also going to test my estrogen. Finally, they are listening to me! 

So I do feel better today. I'm still nervous that this won't work regardless and I ultimately need to Laporoscopy and Hysterscopy procedure to really move forward, but at least I know that if this cycle doesn't work, that's the next move. 

Lastly, can I just give the biggest cyber hug to my husband for putting up with my crazy these past few months. Who knew I married a saint?! (I'm sure I'll feel differently once I'm back on my progesterone supplement)


  1. I understand wanting more flow when AF comes. Mine has always been light and I have also always had lining issues. I do think they go hand in hand sometimes. Glad you drove your point home for them to take a closer look. If your instincts are telling you something, don't ignore it. RE's know a lot, but they don't see and feel what you do every single day inside your own body!

    1. I know they know what they are talking about, but I also know that everyone can be different. Don't treat me like a statistic! Thanks for the pep talk!

  2. This cycle I only bled for one day, CD 1. This is rare for me and completely freaked me out, so I totally understand where you are coming from, especially if it's more than one cycle this is happening. I'm so glad the nurse listened to you and they are doing soemthing about it. Let us know how it goes with the testing and I'm hoping you get a good start to this cycle and get a holiday BFP ('cause wouldn't that be the BEST!!!). *hugs*

    1. Would that be amazing if we all had just a little something special to celebrate this year. Here's hoping it happens for us soon.

  3. I can relate on not wanting to write due to emotional gloom. I've been going through that lately. DH thinks I'm going crazy. Who knew this journey would have such an emotional toll on our everyday life. I hope you can get back to ur happy place and get the present we all want this Xmas.