That sums up how I feel today.
I feel branded. Stuck. Lost. Sad.
I feel like everyone around me is living their lives. Maybe not perfect lives. Everyone has there issues, there troubles. Before infertility, I had my own struggles. What I've never had before infertility, was this all-consuming heartache. A disease that occupies my mind from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night, and then unfortunately, even during those "at sleep" hours as well, I'm haunted by what I cannot achieve or ultimately have of my own.
I see myself more and more over the past few weeks, months withdrawing from my friends that have never had to face the world of infertility. That don't know what the pain is like to want something so simple as a child, that comes without a second thought to so many, but doesn't seem to be meant for me. This is what my life has become.
We are most likely not doing IVF this cycle.
My ultrasound today only showed 3 follicles. Only 2 mature. So their belief is that only 1-2 would be retrieved. So the question is, how hard do I even try to push for a retrieval with 1-2 potential eggs?
The nurse called me this afternoon and told me that my RE was recommending that we convert to an IUI. I requested a call from the doctor and I just spoke with him. I asked him if he felt that I could do better if we tried again? I also asked his opinion on retrieving the 2, and then freezing them (if they fertilized and made it) and then doing another fresh cycle in order to accumulate more eggs before doing the transfer.
He was open to that, as long as I understood the risks that I may have none at all once it's all said and done. He also can't say for sure if I would have a better response because we honestly don't know for sure which lab was incorrect. The fact still remains that two labs were wildly different for baseline.
This morning when my thought was that there were 3, I had planned to still push for the retrieval. Now, I'm just not sure what makes the most sense.
Every step of my treatment since last summer has been a mess. From the lack of testing with my first RE, to delayed cycles and lab errors. I'm frustrated. I'm over it. I don't know how to continue pushing forward, but at the same time, I can't imagine quitting.
Maybe all of this is a sign, I gave it a whirl here close to home. Is it truly the time to pack it all up and head to CCRM? At least there won't be lab issues.
We leave tomorrow morning to go to Chicago. We have an appointment with my actual clinic so that they can assess me themselves. They are anxious to run my blood work at their lab and see which it more correlates to. I'm anxious for those results as well. We will then decide whether we'll do the IUI and find out if it will be on Sunday or Monday.
I need a little strength today. I need a little courage to keep going. I need some hope.