Friday, May 31, 2013

Forever the infertile.

That sums up how I feel today.

I feel branded. Stuck. Lost. Sad.

Defeated.

I feel like everyone around me is living their lives. Maybe not perfect lives. Everyone has there issues, there troubles. Before infertility, I had my own struggles. What I've never had before infertility, was this all-consuming heartache. A disease that occupies my mind from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night, and then unfortunately, even during those "at sleep" hours as well, I'm haunted by what I cannot achieve or ultimately have of my own.

I see myself more and more over the past few weeks, months withdrawing from my friends that have never had to face the world of infertility. That don't know what the pain is like to want something so simple as a child, that comes without a second thought to so many, but doesn't seem to be meant for me. This is what my life has become.

We are most likely not doing IVF this cycle.

My ultrasound today only showed 3 follicles. Only 2 mature. So their belief is that only 1-2 would be retrieved. So the question is, how hard do I even try to push for a retrieval with 1-2 potential eggs?

The nurse called me this afternoon and told me that my RE was recommending that we convert to an IUI. I requested a call from the doctor and I just spoke with him. I asked him if he felt that I could do better if we tried again? I also asked his opinion on retrieving the 2, and then freezing them (if they fertilized and made it) and then doing another fresh cycle in order to accumulate more eggs before doing the transfer.

He was open to that, as long as I understood the risks that I may have none at all once it's all said and done. He also can't say for sure if I would have a better response because we honestly don't know for sure which lab was incorrect. The fact still remains that two labs were wildly different for baseline.

This morning when my thought was that there were 3, I had planned to still push for the retrieval. Now, I'm just not sure what makes the most sense.

Every step of my treatment since last summer has been a mess. From the lack of testing with my first RE, to delayed cycles and lab errors. I'm frustrated. I'm over it. I don't know how to continue pushing forward, but at the same time, I can't imagine quitting.

Maybe all of this is a sign, I gave it a whirl here close to home. Is it truly the time to pack it all up and head to CCRM? At least there won't be lab issues.

We leave tomorrow morning to go to Chicago. We have an appointment with my actual clinic so that they can assess me themselves. They are anxious to run my blood work at their lab and see which it more correlates to. I'm anxious for those results as well. We will then decide whether we'll do the IUI and find out if it will be on Sunday or Monday.

I need a little strength today. I need a little courage to keep going. I need some hope.

11 comments:

  1. Oh Suzanne! I'm so sorry! This is not the news I was hoping for! I'll be praying for you this weekend as you make all of these decisions!

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  2. With you every step of the way, my friend, no matter what. Please keep me posted -- I'll be around all weekend if you need to talk/text. Thinking of you guys and praying tomorrow's test results will bring you one step closer to deciding what your next step needs to be.

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  3. Huge, huge hugs Suzanne. This journey sucks and is so lonely and isolating and full of curve balls and disappointment. I'll be KMFX that whatever happens is the best and leads you to that BFP soon.

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  4. Oh I am so sorry dear friend :(. I'm sending you all of te strength and hope that I have. I will be thinking of you. And as long as you can't imagine quitting- don't!! Keep fighting- I just truly believe you will make it through this. Sending hugs your way. xoxo

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  5. Hugs for you! Hope this weekend goes well! Prayers too!

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  6. Hugs, hugs, hugs! Not sure if it helps to know but you are certainly not alone....you took many of these words from my heart, too. Especially that you can't keep going but can't stop trying either. I am there, too. We just have to pray and trust and believe that God will work all things for our good. In time...i hate even saying that bc i get sick of hearing it myself. But, it.is true ;) hang in there! Praying for you this weekend!

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  7. Oh Suzanne I am truly sorry. But to give you a bit of a glance of hope let me tell you a story of a coworker. She went through IVF and her egg retrieval did not go so well. She was deviated to the point that the doctor himself told her there was nothing he can do for her. In her case she did not have the option to convert to IUI bc both her tubes were removed. After venting someone told her "it only take one." Yes she went fwd with her IVF and she has a beautiful daughter to show for it. She does have one embryo frozen to give it another whirl in the near future. I'm praying for you. Whatever you decide to do.

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  8. Oh honey! I have to tell you that the whole time I was reading your post I was thinking...she should go to CCRM. And not because I'm going to have any more luck there. Not because I think that it is the silver bullet. Just because it sounds like you are lacking confidence in the labs. If I learned one thing in all my research, it is that the lab can make all the difference and CCRMs is the best! I hope this isn't unsolicited advice that you DON"T need right now. Because I know how that I can be. My heart just goes out to you. I want to hug you. And I'm sorry for your frustration and poor response. Sending your strength and positive thoughts across the miles! XOXO

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  9. Suzanne, I am so sad that your cycle has gone this way. I really wish you had better news. Whether you freeze or convert to IUI I am hoping and praying it still works out. I have heard of one egg retrieved, fertilized, put back in and it worked. It's rare, but I've seen it. I am a believer in miracles, but even if this ends up being a bust and you are left with "what now", I still really and truly believe in the end you will get that BFP. I am supporting you and with you 100% all the way. Lots and lots of love and hugs to you.

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  10. I thought I commented already. Sorry Hun. This is so sad. I can only imagine your level of frustration right now. Whatever the outcome is I hope your 'busted cycle' works despite. Xoxo big hugs.

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  11. Wishing you strength, courage and hope...today and every day.

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