Sunday, June 2, 2013

The tough decisions

I'm a very indecisive person. Many of you have probably gathered that from my constant worry over whether I should or shouldn't go to CCRM vs. FCI. I have at times, sent myself into a tailspin over where to go to dinner. So please, know that the anxiety that comes over me trying to decide how to proceed with something as important as this is extremely overwhelming for me.

We traveled to Chicago yesterday. It was so nice to be at my doctor's facility. It's so strange considering this was only the second time I've stepped foot in their facility. The first being my consultation. It was a quick visit. We did the ultrasound and blood work and were sent on our way until the results were ready. We spent the morning walking around Chicago, taking in an art fair, having lunch and doing a bit of shopping.

We got the call mid afternoon. We were told that the 3rd follie, was still rather small at 13mm. My lining was 4.9mm, my e2 was 1277 and my p4 was 3.7. I also had fluid in my uterus. So we had two options.

Option 1

Trigger Saturday night and come in Monday morning for an IUI, where they would also drain the fluid from my uterus.

Option 2

Come in again on Sunday for another ultrasound and blood work to see where things are and make our decision .

In my opinion, an IUI with such dismal lining and elevated p4 would be pointless. Even should we choose to cancel the IVF, I did not believe I would regret not doing the IUI. So we chose to stim one more night and return to the clinic on Sunday.

The one nice thing about being out of town was how much I love the restaurants in Chicago. We had an amazing date night. We went out for sushi just a few blocks from the hotel and then went to a cute little coffee bar for dessert. We discussed a lot of things. We talked about the chances of me ever having  a better response. There something I can't seem to wrap my mind around...because we know that my AMH is less than .16...my FSH has been close to 20 on multiple occasions, and that's how far I go before moving on to donor eggs. The truth is...I want a child. I want a home. I want us to have a comfortable life. My point of moving on, may come quicker than someone with better odds. It may be coming sooner rather than later. I'm not sure I have it in me to continue to drain all the funds we have on something that has such a small chance of happening when we can move on and have a child by other means (which will also cost a considerable amount of money).

By this morning, I told my husband that I needed to just cancel this cycle. I couldn't move forward with 1-2 follicles and I wasn't going to waste money on even an IUI. We decided we would just go to CCRM, try once and move on from there if it didn't work.

Then we went for my ultrasound, comfortable with our decision, even though it was very emotional for me and of course...#3 had rallied. It was almost 15mm this morning. The doctor on call met with us and was recommended we move forward with our retrieval. The other sizes were 20 and 23mm. Well hell.

We discussed with her the fact that our lining had increased to 6mm, however, I still had fluid in my uterus. We would have to aspirate the fluid at the time of retrieval. The ultimate goal would be to retrieve the three. Hope with all that I have, that they fertilize and make it to freeze. To transfer at a later date when my uterus is in a better state, more welcoming to embryos. If they do not look like they would make it freeze, we would just have to do a Hail Mary transfer on day 3 and hope for the best. Apparently the elevated p4 does decrease my chances of success by half.

She did not believe I would ever be able to have more than 3-5 eggs at any given IVF cycle. We decided to go for it. So for now, I'm putting all of my hope and faith into 3 little follicles. This is a long shot in the dark...but for now, it's all we have.

I trigger tonight. Retrieval on Tuesday.

13 comments:

  1. Man, just when you make up your mind, they call telling ya something to change it. Well, I think it's great news that they want to proceed and that it's still game on. I will be praying for a successful retrieval, fertilization and freeze for you. All it takes is one! I have seen women with super low AMH and DOR get only a couple eggs and become pregnant...even at 40+. It can and does happen, so stay hopeful that it will!

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  2. Woah! Holy 180! It's so funny how just when we think we've got a handle on the situation or we're ready to move on...... Not so fast says our body! It's wild how a woman's body (well an infertes anyway) can make such a drastic change in 24 hours. It always amazes me! Best of luck to your sweet self! I am rooting for these 3 follies to give you something good!!

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  3. Hail Mary! You got this. Sending all the goodness in the world to you.

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  4. Oh my goodness, Suzanne! I am so happy that you're moving forward with this IVF and that follie #3 ralleid and grew. My fingers, toes, eyes... everything (!!!) is crossed for you, girl. Sending a big hug and lots of prayers for a very successful retrieval on Tuesday! xoxo

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  5. I'm so glad you are back on and I'm hoping and praying and crossing everything I have that one of your three follies is your next baby and that the fluid can be removed from your uterine lining. FX!!!!

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  6. I know this has all been such a hard struggle for you and I am so sorry. However, I think you are making the best decision possible under the circumstances and it just takes one perfect egg or in your case, one perfect embryo. Lots of positive vibes and prayers!

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  7. Prayers for you Suzanne!! Added bonus you had a wonderful date night! What an exciting week!

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  8. Awesome that the 3rd follie caught up! And it sounds like your mini-vacay in Chicago was good for you, too. Good luck Tuesday!

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  9. Good luck from Oklahoma City! I have been following your blog and crossing my fingers for you!!

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  10. I am praying for your retrieval, fertilization, freeze goes smooth and well. I am definitely a believer that it only takes one embryo to make a baby. Thinking of you.

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  11. Yikes! I can't imagine!!! I've been known to park the car until someone tells me where to go for dinner. I HATE making decisions!!!

    Praying for BEAUTIFUL follicles and an EXCELLENT fetilization report! Hang in there!

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  12. I just got caught up on your last two weeks. I can only imagine how emotional this process has been for you. I am sending positive energy your way and wildly cheering for the three follies!

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