Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Chin Up

My cycle is still moving forward.

I wish it was because things looked great. They don't. But the cycle isn't cancelled either. So on Thursday, we leave for Denver and hope with all of our hearts, that things start to improve.

Lining - 4.52mm

Estrodiol - 530

Progesterone - .70

I start 150iu of stimulating hormone tonight, adding in the Viagra, Dexamethosone and continuing the Trental, Vitamin E and estrogen.

My next check is at CCRM on Friday morning.

I've asked myself "why" a lot lately. I've reflected on these past 3 years that we've tried so desperately to conceive. I've thought about all we've gone through. The pain and heartache that has followed each failed attempt and loss. The devastation of knowing that my body, has essentially had enough. With each diagnosis being just a little bit worse than the one before. I've thought a lot about the ill-fated D&C that has (possibly) robbed my uterus of a chance to carry our child.

It reminded me of the post that I wrote after that procedure last August (Treat it Like Gold). While I know that no doctor would intentionally harm my ability to conceive, it breaks my heart that all of this has happened because of a D&C that was done during an ectopic pregnancy. That surgery was pointless, never even needed…but with such monumental lasting effects. I guess it all just makes me very sad.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother. While in some ways, it feels like that's slipping away, I can only hope that somewhere and somehow, it will happen. In my bones I feel that it's what I was meant to do. To be. And I'm so close. I have 6 reasons to remain hopeful.

So no matter how consuming the fear is today, for them, I'll keep marching on towards tomorrow.




21 comments:

  1. Oh, friend. I am sending you all the positive thoughts & vibes in the world. Stay strong xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's so hard not to question "why" when all of this is so unfair. I'm inspired by your ability to stay positive and move forward and so hopeful that this cycle will bring you a healthy baby. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can't tell you how many times I've asked the Lord why you got pregnant last summer if it was never going to be your bring home baby... why ignite that spark when you'd just come to terms with donor eggs? why delay the start of donor eggs? why damage your uterus? why all this MESS for a year? I was so, so, so hopeful and excited when you announced that surprise BFP, but I've found myself asking why He let that happen sooooo many times since then. Unsurprisingly, I have no answers. My hope is that this story is simply too crazy not to have a happy ending, that there are simply too many bumps and twists, and turns for it not to be orchestrated from above. I'm hoping with all my might that you're on your way to resolution and answers. I really, REALLY want you to look into the face of your son or daughter and say "THIS, this is why I walked that road, it was all leading to you."

    Love you so much! Safe travels! Call if you need anything!

    ReplyDelete
  4. So sorry to hear the lining isn't responding well with the estrogen priming alone, but you haven't pulled out the big guns yet, and all of the major work is yet to be done once you start the stims. Stay hopeful and positive! You know your body will respond better to the big guys, and I am praying with every ounce of my being that it will! You should be proud of your dedication to making it happen! Thinking of you and praying for you always, my dear.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm happy that your cycle is moving forward and will be praying that once you get to Denver everything goes smoothly and things improve!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Praying for you Suzanne! Trusting the Lord is with you every step - He is in ALL the details. Keep us updated while you are in Denver. Hugs for you!! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Suzanne- I have you held so close to my heart, sweet friend. I am so happy that nothing has been cancelled... That you're moving forward. I will be praying for and thinking of you every day! XO

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am praying and praying and praying. Not canceling is a positive thing. Those doctors are going to take good care of you. Safe travels and looking forward to your next update. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wishing the best for you! Are others have said, you're still in the game at this point!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You inspire me. Your perseverance. Your strength. I'm your biggest cheerleader, my friend. I know in my heart you will be a mother and I can't wait for that day. Hope everything gets better once you get to Denver. Travel safely. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  11. Praying so hard for you. I'm really hoping with all my heart that miracles happen in Denver. *hugs* girl. You've been through so much and you are just amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You may not recognize your strength, but we all do. You are in this to win this, and you will, I just know it. Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts, xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  13. Suzanne, you are such an inspiration. Everytime I read a post from you, I feel this strength coming through from you no matter what your words say. I am praying so hard for you, and I have to believe that what you went through with that stupid D&C was not just a mistake. With all my heart, I want to believe that it is in some way guiding you to where you are meant to be, and I hope that where you are meant to be is a place called motherhood.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm with the other girl who commented that you haven't yet pulled out the big guns. Yes, that Gonal F/Follistim is the gun that hopefully will kick your lining into action. I've been super quiet lately with commenting as I've continued to follow your blog from afar. But, I'm hoping beyond all that the big gun will bring you a big pleasant surprise as it did for us. I know what it is like to look at your last hail mary chance before you're staring surrogacy in the eyes. Don't back down yet and I pray that your time in Colorado will bring you a great big transfer. - Laura (thin lining girl)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I want you to know you are in my heart. <3 I have faith the stimulation meds et al will do the trick. I hope you can enjoy CO a bit; it is beautiful this time of year.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You have gone through so much, and I am praying that things will still work in your favor. I'm sorry that you hurt is so deep... I will be thinking of you guys, and have a safe trip.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thinking on you. Keeping you in prayers every night Suzanne. You are such a strong admirable woman.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You will be a Momma one day. I know it. Your resolve to find your path to motherhood is just too strong to end any differently. Hang in there friend. I hope Colorado's good to you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Stay positive dear, all our thoughts and prayers are with you. In God's time and through God's plans, everything will work out in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Suzanne I am wishing you nothing but the best with this cycle! Please this has got to work! I will be thinking of you and you will be in my prayers! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  21. The blog are the best that is extremely useful to keep.
    I can share the ideas of the future as this is really what I was looking for,
    I am very comfortable and pleased to come here. Thank you very much!
    carpet suppliers in dubai

    ReplyDelete