Dare I hope??

The past six months have been a whirl wind. Our transfer failing...beginning conversations with K. Meeting her. Then once we went to CCRM things REALLY flew by. That was only 2 months ago.

And here we are...just over 4 days away from our transfer. And not a transfer that I know the odds aren't good. Knowing that the chances of it not working are way better than the chances that it will. The odds are for once in four years...on OUR side. I'm still trying to process that.

K's final lining check was yesterday. It was 9.3mm and triple striped. I guess first I should fill you in on what happened after my post last week. Dr. G was concerned that her lining would get too thick. Who'd have ever thought that would be a problem I would face?! So they kept her on 1 patch, rather than the typical steady increase of patches. So she was on very low doses of estrogen along with her Lupron. Of course, then  I was worried that what if it didn't get thick enough now?? I mean there is always something to worry about, right??

Well, like I said, her lining was 9.3mm, her labs were good...and get this...she had 39 follicles!! Like, WHA???? So while "suppressing" her, she's still making the quantity of eggs that some of us only dream of. They were around 9mm in size. So at least we weren't at risk of them ovulating. Whew!! I emailed CCRM slightly concerned that this could potentially impact the transfer, but nope...there response was:

"Some people are just blessed with lots of eggs. :)"

Yes, indeed.

She has a progesterone check tomorrow, but all things are go for Tuesday!! I fly out to Denver on Sunday, I plan on spending the evening with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Then I'm picking Kelly up Monday from the airport and we'll spend the day getting pampered. Having lunch, pedicures and then dinner with Trevor when he arrives Monday evening.

Her transfer will be around noon-ish and K and I will be spending the next day and a half watching chick flicks and ordering take out. I'm pretty darn stoked.

Excited for this opportunity. Happy that we actually have a really good shot. And thrilled that K is in this with me. I couldn't ask for anything else...

Okay...maybe just one thing. :)

Thanks for all the sweet thoughts about my hip surgery. I'm doing great!! Bumbling around quite well actually!! 

Great News...Clouded with Doubt

I have really good news. News that I've been waiting on since last May when we decided to move forward with a gestational carrier and I was so lucky to have Kelly come in to our life.

We have a transfer date. And it's this year.

December 16th

That would put her beta on December 26th. If she tested early (which she already said she would) we would know by Christmas. I couldn't ask for anything that would mean more or make me happier than to find out that she's pregnant with our baby.

I want so badly to be jumping for joy right now.

She started BCPS on Sunday and starts Lupron next Wednesday. Our FET cycle has begun.

But...there is always a but...

She is having her repeat antibody screen drawn today. With these results, which we most likely won't have for another week...this whole cycle (actually it will go way beyond this cycle) will come crashing down.

My heart is terrified right now. I mean, this is EVERYTHING on the line with this one simple blood test.

So think of her today as she goes in for this test. Send prayers and good thoughts that this is just a tiny fluke and all continues to move along beautifully as it has thus far. Think of me as I try and keep my sanity for this next week.

It Was Finally Our Day

We're back home!!

I have to say…leaving was very emotional for me. So many wonderful things happened while we were in Colorado, that it was very hard to say goodbye.

My post last week recapped all the medical drama with ultrasounds, meds and fluid. This post, I'd like to recap all the great moments we had.

On Memorial Day, we took a day trip with our friends and family to the zoo in Colorado Springs.

Not sure this needs anymore explanation!! 

I also received this beautiful bouquet of flowers from my sweet friend, Amanda. Those of you who follow her blog, know her kindness and love is an inspiration. I especially loved that since we weren't staying at a hotel, she took a little extra initiative and conspired with my husband to make sure these got to me. Love her. Love her. Love her. They were beautiful right up until the day we came home.

One evening we were able to spend with some friends that I grew up with. We realized that we had known each other for 30 years!! These wonderful people were dear, dear friends of my mothers and it meant so much to be able to see them. It's such a lovely experience to be able to still have contact with people that were such an important part of your life when you were a child and to have them give such warmth and well wishes during a time when I needed it most. 

T's brother and his wife moved to Denver recently and we were able to see them most every day that we were in town. They're building a great life there and we're so happy for them. Reminds us how much we wish we lived closer to one another. They got up extra early on Friday to have a special "pre-transfer" breakfast with us. I could never thank them enough for being so supportive and loving to us during this time. 

I also was able to spend some quality time with my sister-in-law. We see each other over holidays, but it's not often that her and I get to really enjoy some good girl time together. We enjoyed long walks, mani/pedi's, shopping, talking and well, eating. I know how busy she is and was so grateful that she made us (ME) such a priority last week. I hope she knows how much I love her and how happy I am to call her a sister. 

We were in Denver for a solid 10 days. That's a long time away from home. It's also a long time to stay in a hotel room, especially when we're dealing with trying to work while in Colorado and being on bed rest and the cost of that kind of extended stay, etc. When we told our close friends that we'd be out there, there was no hesitation. Obviously, we'd stay with them. They're generosity and kindness to us during this time still overwhelms me. They have 3 children that are in their last few weeks of school, yet they welcomed us into their home, allowed us to disrupted their lives and routines and made us feel as comfortable as we would have been in our own home. There are no words for how thankful I am to have them as friends. People like this are rare these days. And not only them, but their children as well. Children that were so concerned about how much I "moved" while on bed rest and just curled up by my side for two days. These children melted my heart.  It's only been a day and I miss them so much. 

Finally my husband…what would I do without him? He's so kind, caring and best of all…he loves me to the moon (and back about a gazillion times). 

Hope he realizes that as much as he loves me, I love him about triple that. 

As I said before, the doctor said that the transfer went beautifully. Our 4AA thawed like a champ and if a miracle is possible, could be OUR baby. There's nothing I want more. Even with our low odds, I cling to hope that this is possible. 

Here's a few more pics documenting transfer day...

 

I even wore my mom's bracelet and ring all week for good luck. 

I tend to have a lot of anxiety. To the point that I sometimes have panic attacks or "nervous tummy syndrome"…as my bestie's daughter would say, "tummy pooptitis". Never fails. Important phones calls, doctors visits, ultrasounds, everything sends me into a nervous tizzy. 

Last week in what should have been my most nerve-wracking moments of my 3-year-trying-to-conceive history, I was the most relaxed and calm I've ever been. I credit all of the people above for giving me that wonderful gift. If anything, I was very emotional during the transfer...to have finally made it to that moment.

Our beta is scheduled for next Monday (6/9). I know that the trigger shot is still in my system, so at this point, I'm unsure if I'll try and test that out, or if I'll wait it out till Monday. 

TBD…

But we finally had our day, our moment…in one week, we'll see what comes of it...

Chin Up

My cycle is still moving forward.

I wish it was because things looked great. They don't. But the cycle isn't cancelled either. So on Thursday, we leave for Denver and hope with all of our hearts, that things start to improve.

Lining - 4.52mm

Estrodiol - 530

Progesterone - .70

I start 150iu of stimulating hormone tonight, adding in the Viagra, Dexamethosone and continuing the Trental, Vitamin E and estrogen.

My next check is at CCRM on Friday morning.

I've asked myself "why" a lot lately. I've reflected on these past 3 years that we've tried so desperately to conceive. I've thought about all we've gone through. The pain and heartache that has followed each failed attempt and loss. The devastation of knowing that my body, has essentially had enough. With each diagnosis being just a little bit worse than the one before. I've thought a lot about the ill-fated D&C that has (possibly) robbed my uterus of a chance to carry our child.

It reminded me of the post that I wrote after that procedure last August (Treat it Like Gold). While I know that no doctor would intentionally harm my ability to conceive, it breaks my heart that all of this has happened because of a D&C that was done during an ectopic pregnancy. That surgery was pointless, never even needed…but with such monumental lasting effects. I guess it all just makes me very sad.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother. While in some ways, it feels like that's slipping away, I can only hope that somewhere and somehow, it will happen. In my bones I feel that it's what I was meant to do. To be. And I'm so close. I have 6 reasons to remain hopeful.

So no matter how consuming the fear is today, for them, I'll keep marching on towards tomorrow.

Another Mother's Day Gone By

For the past 6 years, Mother's Day has been a struggle for me. I tend to go off on my own, avoiding any place or function that is recognizing mothers. It simply hurts to much to not have mine. For the past 4 years, each Mother's Day has brought a new loss of another child. While you would think that the pain of such a day would be slightly less each year having gone through it all the year prior, but it doesn't. It's actually worse. The longing cuts a bit deeper a little more each year that passes.

My mother & I - 1977

As far as my FET cycle update, things are moving along. There were no cysts and I started with estrogen on Friday. My first lining check will be on Monday. As long as my lining is close to 5mm, they will start me on 150iu of stims per day and add in the Viagra. 

On Thursday (May 22nd), we'll head out to Denver. My first monitoring appointment with CCRM will be on Friday, this is also the day they could potentially do the Neupogen infusion in my uterus. I could potentially start progesterone that Saturday with a very, VERY tentative transfer scheduled for 5/29. 

As of right now, we're scheduled to come home on June 1st. That gives us several extra days in case things get pushed back. 

So I guess we'll be spending our Memorial holiday in Colorado!! I'll have to start figuring out some fun stuff for us to do to keep me distracted.

I'm trying really hard to be hopeful, but it's hard. I feel like there are literally mountains to overcome for this to even be a decent shot. 

This is IT

Literally. The showstopper. The grande finale. Our swan song.

Today is cycle day one. Tomorrow is my baseline labs and ultrasound to check for cysts. So I guess we'll know more officially then if the cycle really, really is a go.

Plan is to start the estrogen priming portion of the cycle tomorrow and then start the stims on May 19th. If my lining is not responding, they will add in the Neupogen infusion prior to the transfer.

I'm fully prepared to not thaw an embryo if my lining does not look favorable. They're very precious to me and while 6 sounds like a lot…it doesn't feel like a lot when I know I can't go back for more. If the lining were to look similar to the last mock cycle, I would most likely convert to a "Hail Mary" IUI.

Who am I kidding…this whole cycle is a "Hail Mary".

Thanks to a very, very generous donation, I have a good start with my meds. I also plan on being monitored at CCRM after the first stim check which will be on May 23rd. With all that's on the line, I feel a lot more comfortable if they have me right there in front of them. Especially since the Neupogen infusion must be done at CCRM anyway.

Because of our risk of placenta accreta or percreta, Dr. G thinks it would be disastrous if I were to become pregnant with twins. Therefore…we would only be transferring one.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless.

This is it.

This past week has been overwhelming and very emotional. My heart has been very heavy. The costs of a gestational surrogate really has had me pretty stressed. It's not a route that I want to go. Financially it will put strains on us for years to come. We currently live in a condo and have wanted to finally buy a house…with a yard! While nothing is more important than having a family to us, it's also been difficult to know after this, we'll have to move towards such an expensive option. While I know that we'll find away to make it work somehow, I still hate that my body has become such a financial burden on us. Never our future child. But my body…yes.

For now, I'll brush those fears and concerns aside. I'll focus all my energy on me and my body for one last time. I'll hope that my uterus cooperates. Maybe even gives us a sign that she's not out of the running. I plan on keeping as active as I can, cutting out what small amount of caffeine I drink (so long, sweet tea) and my much adored red wine and margaritas. I'm trying to eat healthy and continuing my electroacupuncture. I'm trying it all.

Let's just hope that this beat up, "severely damaged" (words of Dr. March) uterus of mine has it in her to pull through for us.

We're going to need a miracle...