Sometimes things go horribly wrong

Last week in a few of my surrogacy Facebook groups I learned that a gestational carrier had a placenta abruption the day before her scheduled c-section and died. I don't know for certain the outcome with the twins she carried, but I know from a few posts, that things looked dire for them as well. This has been on my mind constantly since I heard the news.

As an infertility blogger, I've come across many women who like myself, have had to go to extremes to make our family. Donor eggs and surrogacy, while something that may not roll off the average person's tongue in day to day conversation, is a huge reality for me. And here I think about the two women that so selflessly put themselves at risk for our family and it hits me deep in my heart.

What if that had been us? What if something had happened to Kelly? How would I have lived with that? Death during childbirth isn't something you hear of often, but it does happen. And to think it happened to someone that wanted so badly to help another family that she paid the ultimate sacrifice.

I stare at my boys daily in wonder and awe. They are my light and they have my whole heart. It's never mattered to me that they don't share my DNA or that I didn't carry them. They are mine and I couldn't love another human more than I love those two little guys. So this tragic story makes me that much more grateful and thankful for what Kelly did for me. For us. She has a heart of gold. In more ways that you possibly imagine. My life is better because of her and her family...and not just in the sense of the boys that hold my heart in their tiny little hands. Because true honest and good people like that are hard to find, and the good in their souls reaches out and grabs you. Makes you want to always be that good.

I also read on some of the threads a few people talking about how you shouldn't be able to have a surrogate unless it's absolutely medically necessary. This also has sat with me. It was medically necessary for me. My doctors, not just at CCRM, but locally as well, all told me...you need a carrier. But here I am, 28 weeks pregnant. And I feel guilty. Guilty because I wouldn't change a thing. Because knowing what I know now, I would still choose these boys. They are part of my world and were meant to be mine. I hope that Kelly never, ever feels like my pregnancy diminishes her and what she has done for me.

My infertile mind still struggles daily that this pregnancy is real. That the little girl is really growing inside of me. I'm along way from holding her in my arms, so I'll remain a wee bit cautious if it's all the same. But her dad, brothers and I are so very, very hopeful.


So yes, to sum up this post...I'm thankful on so many levels that Kelly was able to safely deliver our boys. While there were complications that I'll be posting about later this week, I can say that her and our boys are all healthy and happy. I wouldn't, couldn't have it any other way.

A Moment to Breathe

I'm so sorry for my very brief update that probably left you all with questions and concerns. I've finally had a few minutes of calm to sit down and write out this post.

Here's what's been going on:

On Monday morning, Kelly had her regular OB appointment. Her blood pressure was high at 146/89 and her urine showed signs of protein. Her doctor was immediately concerned and wanted her admitted to the hospital for 24 hour observation and the 24 hour urine test to check her kidney function. They also began the steroid shot treatment for the babies lungs. His suggestion was that Trevor and I head down to Texas as soon as possible.

Our plan all along has been to drive. Obviously knowing that plans can change in an instance. Luckily, I'm a pretty OCD crazy planner kinda freak, and had everything packed in our dining room ready to go for our trip. I booked a flight out of Indianapolis Monday afternoon and arrived in Corpus Christi early evening. Trevor, bless that man, drove. His brother, who is nothing short of my hero, took a flight to Memphis so that he could join Trevor for the majority of the drive so he wouldn't be alone. They arrived yesterday evening.

Since Monday morning, every reading with the exception of the very first one, has been great and totally normal. Blood work showed her liver is doing just fine. The 24 hour urine test however, was pretty horrible And by horrible I mean, anything over 300 is considered bad. Her results were 5400. She also has been having contractions off and on. Sometimes frequent, sometimes not. She's currently dilated to almost 3 cm. That was as of yesterday morning. However, as of yesterday morning, both boys are transverse. So there isn't a lot of concern for her going into labor at this point.

Yesterday after the OB spoke with the MFM we were given 3 options:

1) Go home and then go in on Thursday morning at 8:15 to meet with the MFM doctor.

2) Stay at the current hospital she's being monitored at, however, if things get bad she would have to be transferred to the MFM's hospital that has the Level III NICU.

3) Be transferred now to the MFM's hospital.

Obviously they are giving us these options because they believe these options are all safe. Our big concern is the distance from home to the hospital. It's a solid hour on a good day with no traffic. So IF things got bad quickly with her vitals...are we to far away by her being at home? Her vitals have been great for over 48 hours now. But we can't discount that obviously her kidneys are struggling.

Yesterday, our choice was to stay where we were and be monitored another night. We plan on going home later today and going to the MFM first thing in the morning to see what he thinks. At that time, if it's best she stay at the hospital. We'll do that. However, she could be fine for another week. Where should we spend that week? It's really a tough decision. For everyone.

You always just want to be told what the best thing to do is. Rather than having to make that call. What's the best? What's going to keep her the most calm?

I just want Kelly to be comfortable. I want her safe. And if she's safe, the babies are safe.

I know pre-eclampsia is unfortunately something that a great many of us have had to deal with during pregnancies after infertility. I welcome and hope for any and all thoughts, advise, feedback or guidance. Anything you are willing to offer us.

And just to let you all know...babies are doing great.

I've spent the past few days in the hospital with her trying my best to be helpful to her. I'm so glad we're here. If nothing else to be a supportive role for her and her family until the time comes that these little guys need to come out. We'd love another week or two, but if that's not in the cards, I know that they've been cared for in the best possible way by Kelly. I certainly couldn't have done a better job myself. I know that there are doctors here to help these little guys out in their first few days and weeks. I take a great comfort in all of that.

I also have to give praise to the staff at Christus Spohn Alice. They are simply amazing. The way they've treated me, but especially Kelly moves me to tears. I will be sad if we aren't able to deliver here. We understand why that may not be possible, but we'll lose out on a pretty awesome experience that sometimes medical complications just tend to supersede.

Thank you so much for the continued good thoughts and prayers!

a day of pure love

I have so many people to thank for giving me such a beautiful shower a few weeks ago. I truly was everything I could have ever hoped for. My best friend in the whole world Jill out did herself and gave me a perfect day. I have no idea how I'd have gotten through these past 4 years without her...and I know without a doubt, that she'll be the reason I get through the next 4...or 10 or 20...

If you ladies like a good DIY blog by a truly beautiful talent, you should check out A Handcrafted Affair. Not only is Nakia an amazing friend that I'm so lucky to have, but she also has quite the eye. She helped Jill with the decorations and styling of the shower and I personally couldn't have imagined anything move beautiful and perfect.

My good friend Lisa Diederich also photographed the shower for us. Something that has always bothered me was that there is not ONE photo of my mother pregnant with me. Not one. And I knew...that my boys would not have photos of their mom pregnant either. I didn't want to do a long maternity shoot with Kelly, Trevor and I. We wanted natural. We wanted the boys to one day see how much love was involved in bringing them into the world. And not just from the three of us, but our family and our friends. I want them to know their story...and embrace and love it the way we do.

Thank you Jill, Nakia and Lisa...for supporting me in this journey and creating lasting memories through these beautiful pictures. Here's just a few of my favorites.

Nakia made and GAVE me the beautiful mobiles hanging here as a gift for the nursery

Jill, Kelly, Me & Nakia

Kelly surprised me with a beautiful Pandora bracelet 

My mom's good friend Kathleen came from St. Louis to be a part of my day

Trevor & his mother

Me & my always supportive sister-in-law, Autumn who came in from Denver

Most especially grateful to Kelly for coming all the way from Texas to be a special part of our day. It gave my friends and family a chance for this pregnancy to feel just as real to them as it has been for us. I absolutely loved having her spend time with us at our home with our closest friends and family. 

The Boys. And 22 Weeks.

My little guys were doing great today. K had an appointment with the MFM doctor this morning and overall, it was all good news.

Baby A is measuring right on track and Baby B is measuring a full week ahead. They are both head down as of right now and we're hoping they stay that way to give her the best possible chance at a vaginal delivery. Her blood pressure was still normal.

The bowels are still showing up a little bright in both babies, but the doctor continues to not be concerned. With all the tests that we've done, he thinks there is very low risk of it being anything serious. I continue to try and take the doctors lead on this as both the OB and the MFM seem to not be stressing, which means, I probably don't need to be either. That said, it's just been a long road, and all I want, is both of those boys safe and sound in my arms by the end of the summer. So I'm hanging in there!

She's carrying these guys like a true champ. I'm so so excited that tomorrow, she's arriving in Indianapolis, to spend the weekend with us, meet our friends and family and attend our baby shower.

I couldn't be more thrilled to have her there. She's such a big part of the pregnancy and honestly, is a big part of my life. So I'm just so happy that some of our closest friends will have the opportunity to see how special she is. I'm also looking forward to actually having a baby shower...for ME! I honestly have thought the time would never come.

I'll leave this post with some of pics of my guys.

Sometimes It Just Fits

Ever get the feeling that somethings just fit? Are literally meant to be on so many levels?

My husband and I are definitely meant to be. After almost 14 years together (married and not) I have no doubts about that. We fit. 

My best friend. It was an immediate connection. For 10 years, we've been by each other's side for times of sadness and times of triumph. We fit.

When we met Kelly and her family last summer and the communication that followed, I knew that things felt right. But in my wildest imagination I never thought I could connect with someone on this level. But we do. We fit. 

What makes our story even better, is that with all of the kindness and love that is surround everyone involved in our journey, there are even more and more people that are adding their piece to our puzzle and just "fit". 

Kelly had her 20 week OB appointment today and all went great. Dr. Bradford was so very reassuring. He knew I was concerned since the MFM appointment and the echogenic bowel diagnosis. It was hard not being there in person. This was the first doctors appointment that I've missed. I can't be at them all, I know this. But to have such support for Kelly and me...I know that we are in good hands. We fit. 

I will always look back on my infertility and the years of struggles as a dark moment in my life. It's hard not to, we had a lot of loss and a lot of challenges.  I'll never really beat infertility. I'm forever an infertile. That doesn't mean I'm not overcoming it. 

This life. This journey. It just fits. 

OB Appointment - Part 2

Did I mention in my last post how awesome it was to be in Texas with K?! Probably. But I figured it wouldn't hurt to mention it again.

I left off with our crap OB that can pretty much kiss my ass. (Am I allowed to say that!? Wait, it's my blog...yes, I am)

The doctor that we were referred to that was really spoken highly of is Dr. Bradford. He's supportive of vaginal deliveries AND he's very experienced in breech deliveries. What's that mean? It means where a lot of twins that are both head down at delivery and one is delivered vaginally, but then the other starts to flip around because of all the room that it's suddenly acquired...quite a few doctors will automatically do a c-section to get Baby B out. When in actuality, a baby born breech after Baby A was just delivered vaginally, is possible. Dr. Bradford is experienced in this. 

However, he still plans on delivering in the OR with an epidural already in place. Because as we all know, birth plans can go right out the window. If BOTH babies are breech, then a vaginal delivery most likely can't happen. 

Let me back up. A few days after our appointment with the asshat doctor, K called Dr. B's office to try and schedule an appointment. The front desk told her it would be the end of March before he could see her. Well by the end of March she'd be almost 18 weeks pregnant! So that was discouraging. 

However, by that Monday, the office had called her back and after speaking with the doctor, he wanted to see her that same week. So last Friday, she met Dr. B. 

She loved him. Said he was "awesomeness". He went through all the scenarios that would mean a c-section, and what didn't. He was absolutely supportive of her wishes to try for a vaginal delivery. And it gets better. He also as agreed that T and I will both be in the OR/delivery room for the birth. 

He talked to her for an hour. An hour! On a Friday afternoon! He told her how awesome he considers surrogates. He was excited for her and for us. I knew someone would be and we finally found him. This is our doctor. 

He also did a free ultrasound so they could take a look at the babies. They looked great! Heart rates were 166 and 178. And get this...the doctor could tell the gender! 

He said he could almost guarantee it. That he's almost certain. That he'll confirm 100% on March 20th at her 16 week appointment. 

So unless you follow my blog name on Instagram...sorry, you'll have to wait until then to know. :) That's only due to my blog being very open to friends and family outside of the infertility community. 

The past few weeks have made me realize that this is exactly how it was supposed to be for me. For us. This is how we were always supposed to have our family. There's no doubts, no regrets and no sorrow that my body failed me. There's just happy. Because this woman and her family were absolutely meant to be in our world for this reason. 

OB Appointment - Part 1

A few weeks ago I traveled to Texas to be a part of K's first OB appointment. I was thrilled (putting it mildly) to finally see and hear my babies. To see them bouncing around on the ultrasound screen in front of my very eyes.

Well, lets start by saying my visit with K and her family was amazing. To spend time with her and her kids, I don't even have words for how special it was to me. I am forever grateful for what she's doing for me, but also so blessed to have her as a friend. And wow, is she a busy mama!!

Together we went to her appointment (she was 12 weeks) and anxiously waited to meet the doctor.

From here, it just went horribly bad. Not with the babies--they're great, but with this doctors office.

First, they did a vaginal ultrasound (super quick) and did no measurements on the babies or their heart rates. When I asked about the heart rates she just said, "oh, they're in the 150's". Odd, since I know ultrasounds enough to know she didn't measure it. Thanks lady for just lying to me.

She then proceeded to talk to K and I about the birth. She said we could go ahead and schedule her c-section at 37 weeks. We told her that since K had four vaginal deliveries, she really wanted to attempt a vaginal delivery. She understands that emergencies happen. But why at 12 weeks is there a need to schedule a c-section? The doctor looked at me and told me that if K wanted to proceed with a vaginal delivery I should contact my legal team.

Excuse me!?! Did this doctor just imply that I should legally force this woman to have major abdominal surgery when, at this point, there is no reason? Cause that's what it sounded like, to both of us. She then went on to tell us that only one person would be allowed in the OR. When asked about doing previous surrogacy's, she just said no and she wasn't overly kind or warm to either of us.  She never even mentioned K seeing a MFM doctor at any point in the pregnancy. We're talking red flags left and right here.

Two things K and I are both ready to fight for:

1) T and I absolutely support her wish for a vaginal delivery if possible.

2) K and her husband absolutely want T and I both to be in the OR/delivery room.

K wanted me to be able to see and hear the babies while I was there (for more than 30 seconds) so we scheduled an appointment at a 3d ultrasound place. It was amazing. For 30 minutes I watched them bounce, wave and move around. Their heart rates were both 175! We were even fortunate enough to speak with a midwife/doula while we were there that gave us so much information. On twin births and of doctors that we should consider. One thing she was clear about, the one we had just seen, was NOT for us.

So...we need another doctor...STAT.

The good news...this is the beautiful part of the country that my babies are going to come into the world.

I get to SEE them.

Well I had written a post last night, then went to edit it on my phone, and accidentally deleted it. So...I'm starting from scratch.

What's most important is...I'm currently 10,000 feet in the air, headed to Texas. I'm leaving the 0 degree temperatures in Indianapolis, and going to enjoy a bit of the "cold front" that South Texas is dealing with. A balmy 55 degree high today. I may have packed my flip flops for this very occasion. But that's still not the gist of this post. I'm heading to South Texas to see Kelly and my babies. For the first time IN person.

Last Friday, Kelly went to get a 4d ultrasound. It was amazing. The amount of pictures and video that I was able to see was simply overwhelming. We officially have little legs. What a beautiful sight to see. There little heartbeats are so strong. What more could I ask for at this point?

As of 11w1d

On Saturday I received a call from CCRM. Kelly has officially graduated from their care. Her body has completely taken over and she is completely done with her pills, suppositories and injections. Much to her relief, no doubt about it.

Tomorrow morning we are going together to her first OB appointment. I'm excited to see the babies on that ultrasound screen in person. Not through video or pictures, but right there in front of me. I'm excited to meet the doctor, to ask questions, for them to see that I'm a real person, and going to be a mother.

I'm thrilled to see Kelly. To give her the biggest hug ever. It's the first time I'll have seen her since we left Denver after her transfer. I get to see her tiny little bump. Cause believe me, it's tiny. Even at almost 12 weeks with twins, she's itty bitty.

I still have little moments that I remember that I'm not getting to experience this pregnancy myself, and I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt sometimes. The little things like, what would my cravings be like? The looks when I say that we're having twins, and people automatically look for a bump. And I follow up with, "Well, we're using a surrogate". But not much and not for long. Because the joy I feel in my heart is way to big to allow that kind of sadness and hurt to stick around for long. I'm grateful for that.

I know that this is my time for happy. And I am. I really, really am.

My Loves.

I needed to see them grow.

I needed to know they would both still be here.

They are.

Both of them. Both of my little loves.

With perfect growth and perfect heart beats. They are, well, perfect.

As Monday, we were 8 weeks and 4 days.

Baby A measures 8w3d and Baby B measures 8w5d. Their heart rates were 178 and 176.

I needed to see that growth from our 6 week ultrasound to now to feel comfortable announcing that there are two. That we are having not just a baby. But babies. I've always been okay with just one, but now...now, I want them both with my whole heart.

I hope they both continue to stick around. Cause I really, really want to meet them.

So many of you have asked about Kelly. She's amazing. She's having a lot of morning (well all day) sickness, but she had that with her other pregnancies and she's seriously, the most awesome trooper.

I'm also super excited that in 3 weeks, I'm going to Texas for our first OB appointment. We'll be 12 weeks at that point and I couldn't be more anxious to see them in person!

I've said it so many times before, but maybe I'll have to say it a million more times before this pregnancy is over...I'm grateful. So very grateful for Kelly, for my friends here, for my family and for my husband. It's not easy to be removed from the pregnancy. Luckily, Kelly and I chit-chat throughout the day on most days. I know her cravings and her aversions. I know how she's feeling. I've seen her cute little bump and as of later today, she'll even be recording their little heartbeats for me. So because of her...I am a part of each little moment of their lives from the very beginning...even if I can't be with them.

So yes...infertility be damned. I feel like a pretty luck girl.