My Inspiration

We're a few days from Thanksgiving and what better way to celebrate thanks on my blog than by having my first guest post. But before that is published...I want to introduce her.

Many of you don't know her, but she knows you. For the past several years that I've been blogging, she's been reading. And not just reading my story (even though she hears it firsthand) but she's also been reading yours. She knows almost all of you, your stories and your struggles. 

She's not a commenter for the most part, not even on my blog except those rare posts that really resonate with her and pull her out of lurk mode. Amanda has been privy to a few of those comments due to their common path which warms my heart on a whole other level for another day.

Many of the women I've met had very little thought about infertility before it so crassly landed in their life. For me, infertility did not come along 4 years ago when I experienced our first loss and struggled to become pregnant again. It came along almost 9 years ago when my best friend experienced multiple losses and failed infertility treatments. 

I cried for her and for her husband for the pain that they were going through. The anguish of years of loss, hormones, treatments and failures that come with infertility. 

I want you all to know that while I've received so many loving comments and support from all of my fellow bloggers and infertility fighters that have praised me over the past few years for being strong...and brave...and many other compliments you've blessed upon me. There is a reason that I've been strong...and brave...

And her name is Jill. 

I learned from someone long before infertility reached my body how to be strong when life shoves you down. When the most unfair possibilities and scenarios come to fruition. When the world around you keeps on going (and procreating) leaving you behind. But you continue to get up each and every day and live your life the only way you can. Sometimes through laughter; and sometimes through tears. 

I've had the kind of love and support in my corner from day 1 of my infertility struggles. Because she knew...all too well. I've had a resource to turn to, from the very beginning. I've had someone to laugh with and to cry with. Someone that truly got it better than anyone else in my life ever could. 

I truly believe that we will all get through this hell that they call infertility. It just may not be when we hoped or how we expected. But I have no doubt that my happy ever after is coming.

We always talk about how it's 1 in 8 that will struggle with infertility. But how often do we talk about the 10% of that statistic that will never "recover" from infertility. That cannot be treated with IVF or medication. That have to move on to adoption or surrogacy or even to live a child-free life. 

What are the odds that my very best friend in the world and I are BOTH part of that 10%? We've known we were kindred spirits from the first moment we met almost 10 years ago. I never thought this would be something we'd both have to experience. 

I longed for a child almost 9 years ago. One that was not to be my own. But for one of the most special people in my life. My best friend. 

And thankfully, almost 5 years ago, that child arrived. It's hard to imagine loving my own more than I love her precious little C. This child lights up my life and melts my heart. So I can only imagine how full her heart is...

But that's Jill's story...and I'm so happy that she's going to tell it. 

Stay tuned...

The Results Are...

NEGATIVE!!! 

FET on 12/16

Transferring two

Officially EXCITED!

Great News...Clouded with Doubt

I have really good news. News that I've been waiting on since last May when we decided to move forward with a gestational carrier and I was so lucky to have Kelly come in to our life.

We have a transfer date. And it's this year.

December 16th

That would put her beta on December 26th. If she tested early (which she already said she would) we would know by Christmas. I couldn't ask for anything that would mean more or make me happier than to find out that she's pregnant with our baby.

I want so badly to be jumping for joy right now.

She started BCPS on Sunday and starts Lupron next Wednesday. Our FET cycle has begun.

But...there is always a but...

She is having her repeat antibody screen drawn today. With these results, which we most likely won't have for another week...this whole cycle (actually it will go way beyond this cycle) will come crashing down.

My heart is terrified right now. I mean, this is EVERYTHING on the line with this one simple blood test.

So think of her today as she goes in for this test. Send prayers and good thoughts that this is just a tiny fluke and all continues to move along beautifully as it has thus far. Think of me as I try and keep my sanity for this next week.

Another Hiccup

One can only hope that this is all it is. Not sure my heart can handle it being anything other than another small bump in the road.

On Friday, at the very end of the day (typical of CCRM) I received an email with the final results of Kelly's blood work. I had thought this was all in, but apparently not. Or apparently they were waiting until I was really excited to throw us a curve ball. Either way, the email came in at 5:30 pm on a Friday and I had to wait until Monday to get any answers. Which in my opinion, is kind of cruel and unusual punishment.

Her antibody screen came back "inconclusive". Meaning, there were possible small amounts of antibody detected, but couldn't be identified. A few people have asked me what IS an antibody screening. Here's what the nurse said:

Antibody screening is a test to detect atypical antibodies in the blood that may have been formed as a result of a transfusion or pregnancy.  Patients who are attempting pregnancy have their blood typed and screened to diagnose and prevent hemolytic disease of the newborn (HDN), a type of anemia also known as erythroblastosis fetalis.  If antibodies are present, she cannot move forward as a GC due to the risk of complications with the baby.  There is no treatment.

So yes, my brain is spinning and my heart is on high alert. They want her to retest next week, which is exactly 4 weeks from her last test. The good news is, they are still allowing her to start birth control pills in preparation for transfer regardless. Dr. G thinks that "most likely" it was a reaction to some protein in her blood and will come back negative on the next evaluation.

She was last screened for this during her most recent (two) pregnancies. Both were negative.

Let us all hope this next test is negative as well.

This I know. I will fight for her. I don't know if this is something that all clinics are so black and white on when it comes to accepting a GC. It's not a test I remember ever having in all of my fertility screening. So why her? I get the risks, but is this not something that can be controlled? Watched? Is this something that CCRM is way more critical of vs. other clinics? I know that on somethings they can be.

If I have to move my embryos. I would do it. I hope it never comes to that. I hope that this is just me frantically worrying about the "worst case".

If any of you can shed more light, comfort or even concern on any of this...I am all ears. Please...give me something that can get me through the next week. (For anyone looking at it from the D (Rh) type aspect...she is Rh positive.)

xoxo
Suz (with bottle of wine in hand)