my birthday wish

How many birthday's have their been that I've had the constant ache for a child?

I know four years ago, I was so hopeful because we were officially "trying" around my birthday in 2011.

The following year, my birthday was one day before our first "would be due date".

In 2013, we found out I was again, naturally pregnant while on vacation the week of my birthday. And within a week, we knew it would end.

In 2014, I had so much hope...because of Kelly. And this year...this year...beyond my wildest dreams we've been given a gift. Three actually. So my only wish now is that they arrive safely in my arms. All of them. But that wish seems so selfish. When there are so many...just wishing for their one.

My true wish this year really goes beyond me. I have wishes for this journey to not just be over for me...but for my friends. For my friends that have gone through the same heartache, hurt and loss that I have. That ache every day to be called "mom". Because they deserve this too. And no matter how much they are hurting, they love me and support me. What is love people ask? That's love. Unconditional love of friends.

So her are my wishes for this 38th birthday:

That my dear friend at Dreaming of Diapers can follow in my footsteps...because we are kindred spirits and have so much in common in our journey. And because she too, deserves a miracle.

That Elena has a successful fourth cycle this month because she too, has worked so hard, and deserves to bring her child into the beautiful home they have built.

That God blesses sweet Caroline with the child that she remains faithful for. Because her love for him is real. Her faith is real. And her prayers deserve to be answered.

That Sarah continues to feel strength and hope in whatever direction she takes to finally become a mother. She's been hurting to long.

That Amber will realize that the loss of her twins is not her fault and that her babies love her, because they know...that she loved them.

That Amanda be blessed with not just Garrison, but a house full of babies for him to play with. Because I know that's what her heart desires.

That Ali should be blessed with another miracle. Because she's such a wonderful mother to her twins.

That JoJo, Jane, Risa and Aubrey have safe and healthy deliveries.

That Augusta finds all the strength and courage that she had through her years of infertility for this new and different road she travels. Because she's kind...and I want her to be happy.

That Pam and Julie C. continue to receive good news.

That Rebekah has a successful cycle at CCRM.

That Julie T. can keep her strength to get through these next few days so that she can push forward. Trust me. I know how hard that is to do.

That all my friends that have experienced losses this year continue to heal. My heart is with them always.

That all the new mom's that have waited so long continue to feel the joy and good health of their long-awaited babies.

That anyone else reading this blog, on this very difficult journey and still waiting and hoping for a miracle can believe...that it can and will happen.

This is what I wish today.

A sweet friend shared this with me today. And it seemed so appropriate. 

Finally.

This post is way over due. Honestly. I need life to slow down just a hair. It's been non-stop on the go, crazy for the past month and a half. I've traveled to four cities, had three baby showers and had weekend guests three different weekends. That's in a matter of six weeks and all during my 1st trimester. But somethings are a priority. And my visit to Athens, Georgia a few weekends ago, was just that.

Over two years ago, and I don't even remember who found who first, but I somehow was graced with Amanda in my life. This woman shows unconditional love and support to so many, and she's gotten me through some tough moments. Her texts, emails and comments over the years have meant the world to me. I'm so, so lucky to call her my friend.

And now...she's a friend I've officially met in person!!

About a month ago, I came across an awesome sale on Southwest between Indianapolis and Atlanta. With what's to come for me with the twins and then hopefully this third little one, I'm guessing my traveling days are going to come to a screeching halt. So how could I not immediately text her. I've been lucky enough in my job and with having family all over that I travel frequently which has given me an opportunity to meet fellow infertility bloggers. I love being able to take our online connection and build our friendships even deeper by connecting in person. But somehow, other than in layovers, my travels have never taken me close enough to visit Amanda. So the opportunity to meet her AND Garrison couldn't be passed by. 

We settled on a weekend and plans were set in motion. I so wish I could have stayed longer, but as I mentioned before, it's been a hectic few months. So an amazing 24 hour trip it was! 

Amanda, Sam and Garrison picked me up from the airport and we all went to dinner. Chicken and Waffles! Man, they know the way to this southern girls heart. We stayed up late chatting and the next day, Amanda, Garrison and I explored the University of Georgia campus. What a beautiful little college town Athens is! Had more delicious southern food, complete with sweet tea (a big favorite of mine) and just enjoyed finally getting to spend time together. 

This guy...oh my gosh...it was love at first sight! 

I dare anyone to resist that sweet smile. Can't be done. 

If only the day could have lasted a wee bit longer, but I had to get back. I loved talking, walking and just enjoying a lazy Saturday afternoon with them. Sam and Amanda are the absolute SWEETEST couple and I am forever grateful that they have little Garrison. What a truly special family they are. 

I also was in North Carolina visiting my family this past weekend and even though I travel here often, I don't get a lot of time to see friends because my time is completely occupied by family. However, Kelly, who I've communicated with through email and Instagram lives there. It was a quick "before we head to the airport, we can grab a quick bite" kind of thing, but I'm still thankful to meet her and her husband. They were simply awesome and again, just reminds me how lucky I am to have made such amazing friends on this journey. 

We Just Clicked

Last week while traveling for work to California, I had the privilege of meeting Dreaming of Diapers. If you know my struggles and have never read her blog, you're going to find a lot of similarities. Dimished Ovarian Reserve, thin lining, etc.

We spent hours talking, laughing and crying over shared experiences, loss and yes, even the joy of finally knowing my babies are on their way. We connected on so many levels. Many of you that are familiar with her blog, knows she's a fighter. She's got spirit and tenacity and because of that, make no mistake, she'll be a mom. She's got guts and courage galore. Lets be honest, fighting a thin lining, as I know, takes all of that. 

She gave me hope for women everywhere fighting thin uterine lining, fluid in the uterine cavity and beating the odds by working around it and never giving up. She knows the right questions to ask and how to search out the right doctors and latest technologies. 

What I loved most about her was her heart. It's not often that someone can read a few words that you write and really know you. But that's exactly what she did. Back in December after our transfer I posted about Love. In that post, I quoted one of my mother's favorite quotes. She used to say it all the time to express how happy she was. It comes from the movie "Little Big Man". 

"My Heart Soars Like a Hawk" 

I still hear my mom's voice when I see those words. She gave me a special gift last week. One that filled me with emotion because she really knew me and understood me. 

I've wrote it a million times I feel like...infertility sucks. It really, really does. But look at what it's brought into my life. I wouldn't trade these friendships for the world. 

Show her love...

If we have an infertility blog, or follow them consistently...then we know what loss feels like in some fashion or another. I've posted years worth of struggles, loss and challenges. Through it all, I've had so much love and kindness sent my way.

I know I'm behind on updating about my trip to Texas. That's coming. I promise. Just know for now, that all is wonderful. So much has happened these past few weeks, and I will be sharing all of it very soon.

But right now, what's most important, is standing by our friends in this community. One of my most special friends not only in the blog world, but in MY world, is Amanda. I can't remember a time that she hasn't cheered me on, virtually wiped my tears and shown unwavering amounts of love.

She is always there for so many of us, at every turn, heartache and joy. No matter how difficult it is for her, she radiates happiness for US. She's a special kind of rarity and I'm so so blessed to have found her and get to know her. I'd walk this walk 1000 times over if it meant getting to know her all over again.

If you don't know, she's been waiting to bring her baby home through adoption since last fall. While several have come close, it hasn't been quite close enough. This last week Amanda and her husband, Sam were one of TWO to potentially get chose by a birth mom. So much hope rests on these situations. And it's the same as any loss that we've felt along the way when it doesn't turn out how we'd hoped. They were not chosen.

She's one of the strongest and bravest women I've ever "met". I want her baby to come home to her and I pray for that every single night. She will be the most amazing mother and deserves to hold her baby in her arms. I wish I was as eloquent a write as she...but I will always fall short of beautiful way with words. So please, pop over to her blog and give her even a tiny piece of the love and support she has shown me and so many of us.

Hang in there my dear friend. I know in my heart your baby is waiting for you just as you wait for him or her.

My Inspiration

We're a few days from Thanksgiving and what better way to celebrate thanks on my blog than by having my first guest post. But before that is published...I want to introduce her.

Many of you don't know her, but she knows you. For the past several years that I've been blogging, she's been reading. And not just reading my story (even though she hears it firsthand) but she's also been reading yours. She knows almost all of you, your stories and your struggles. 

She's not a commenter for the most part, not even on my blog except those rare posts that really resonate with her and pull her out of lurk mode. Amanda has been privy to a few of those comments due to their common path which warms my heart on a whole other level for another day.

Many of the women I've met had very little thought about infertility before it so crassly landed in their life. For me, infertility did not come along 4 years ago when I experienced our first loss and struggled to become pregnant again. It came along almost 9 years ago when my best friend experienced multiple losses and failed infertility treatments. 

I cried for her and for her husband for the pain that they were going through. The anguish of years of loss, hormones, treatments and failures that come with infertility. 

I want you all to know that while I've received so many loving comments and support from all of my fellow bloggers and infertility fighters that have praised me over the past few years for being strong...and brave...and many other compliments you've blessed upon me. There is a reason that I've been strong...and brave...

And her name is Jill. 

I learned from someone long before infertility reached my body how to be strong when life shoves you down. When the most unfair possibilities and scenarios come to fruition. When the world around you keeps on going (and procreating) leaving you behind. But you continue to get up each and every day and live your life the only way you can. Sometimes through laughter; and sometimes through tears. 

I've had the kind of love and support in my corner from day 1 of my infertility struggles. Because she knew...all too well. I've had a resource to turn to, from the very beginning. I've had someone to laugh with and to cry with. Someone that truly got it better than anyone else in my life ever could. 

I truly believe that we will all get through this hell that they call infertility. It just may not be when we hoped or how we expected. But I have no doubt that my happy ever after is coming.

We always talk about how it's 1 in 8 that will struggle with infertility. But how often do we talk about the 10% of that statistic that will never "recover" from infertility. That cannot be treated with IVF or medication. That have to move on to adoption or surrogacy or even to live a child-free life. 

What are the odds that my very best friend in the world and I are BOTH part of that 10%? We've known we were kindred spirits from the first moment we met almost 10 years ago. I never thought this would be something we'd both have to experience. 

I longed for a child almost 9 years ago. One that was not to be my own. But for one of the most special people in my life. My best friend. 

And thankfully, almost 5 years ago, that child arrived. It's hard to imagine loving my own more than I love her precious little C. This child lights up my life and melts my heart. So I can only imagine how full her heart is...

But that's Jill's story...and I'm so happy that she's going to tell it. 

Stay tuned...

My Surrogate is her Egg Donor

This is going to be my most favorite post ever. It doesn't matter what's to come...this one post, is how it all began.

I've wanted to share this story for five months now...but I needed it to be official. And now it is.

Something that has been on my mind often these past several months is how fortunate we are when certain individuals come into our world at just the right moment. It's those special people that touch your soul and really make a difference. Friends that you know without a doubt will be part of your life, well...forever.

Back in January, I shared that I got to meet Jessah (and her husband) for lunch in Colorado. We were both at CCRM for various treatments. She was there for her last retrieval and I was there for my hysteroscopy to attempt to treat my Asherman's Syndrome. Neither of those procedures worked out as we hoped and I've realized that even though they didn't, maybe it's because we were destined for something so much bigger. Fate lead us together in a truly serendipitous moment that day in Denver.

And that day I met a friend that I will cherish and love for so many years to come.

I'm so thrilled that she's finally, after so many years, expecting her Baby Sunshine. She is going to be such a loving and fantastic mother...and A is going to be a great father. And because of a very special circumstance and very loving woman...Jessah and I are well on our way to having our dreams come true.

That's right. I said woman. That's what I'm so thrilled to share. My very special surrogate...is also Jessah's egg donor.

It's K...K is Kelly.

During their communication, K expressed her wishes to become a gestational carrier. She's already helped Jessah reach her dreams of becoming a mother...and two other women before her through egg donation. Like Jessah's story, we came to meet K in a less traditional way..."outside the box" as she mentioned in her post. I met her because Jessah knew in her heart that this could be a match. Because Jessah loved and cared about me enough, as I was learning that I couldn't carry a child, that she gave me a light in the dark.

It's difficult enough to come to the realization that I will never experience pregnancy. To be faced with the cost of surrogacy when we had already gone through so many infertility treatments, can be overwhelming to say the least. A huge part of the surrogacy costs are the agency fees. Fees for finding and being matched with a surrogate. For us, the difference in having an agency vs. not having an agency made using a gestational carrier within reach.

Jessah has bonded us forever because of her actions. Our children will always be connected through their stories. I can't wait for the day that they can play together and learn the beautiful story of how much they were wanted and loved by so many...even before they were here.  How intertwined their lives were before they were born. I am so thankful for that day in January. I'm so thankful for this blog and for all the women that I've met (even if not actually in person) and have supported me these almost four years. Where would I be without you? Without Jessah? Without K?

Jessah made this happen for us. There is no way to ever express in words how much that means to me. January 9, 2014...very likely, changed my life.

And especially to Kelly, who I've grown to care about so much in these past few months and not just as my surrogate, but as my friend. Who I hope in the coming months, will lovingly, graciously and kindly carry our child for us. I want her to know that because of this gift, I will be carrying her and her family in my heart for the rest of my life.

I look forward to sharing so many moments, big and small with her...with Jessah and with all of you. This is my hope and my dream. For the first time in so long, it feels so close.

Whatever I did to deserve Jessah and Kelly in my life...I couldn't be happier or more grateful.

Our very first meeting (July 18, 2014)

Agreements signed!! (October 25, 2014)

Transfer in December/January

Denver...it is ON

My next several days are going to be crazy, so I want to give a quick update.

CCRM received the report from the sonohystogram this morning and they called me immediately. First they called and wanted the reports from my D&C. I offered these back in October and was told it wasn't necessary. Within an hour, they requested that I come to Denver for an office hysteroscopy. This was all VERY speedy for CCRM. Usually I hear from them at the very end of the day. I wish I hadn't had to force their hand with all of this, but at this point, that's neither here nor there.

While part of me would prefer to go right to the operative hysteroscopy, I do understand that Dr. G wants to see what's what in there to confirm the sonohystogram. I get it. With traveling to LA on Thursday - Sunday and to Kansas City for the week of Christmas, I was hoping they would squeeze me in next week.

They did. I'm booked for my hysteroscopy next Friday (December 20th). Talk about a crazy few weeks of travel!! But I'm more than happy to do it. I want to know exactly what we're dealing with. While I'm in Denver I'll be able to have a face to face sit down with Dr. G to have all my questions answered. What a major relief and WAY overdue.

The bad news. T is traveling for work next week and cannot go with me.

The fantastic news. A dear, dear friend that has been by my side for more than a year, though we've never met, is traveling to Denver to be with me for all of this. THIS is why the online infertility community and blog world means the absolute world to me. It has brought simply amazing women into my life that I will treasure always. I am beyond grateful and humbled by how quickly and on the spot she agreed to join me. Expect a night of laughs, tears and red wine!!

When finally turning my focus to donor eggs and accepting all that comes with that and the loss of a genetic connection, I never expected that I would end up in this situation. It scares me to think of the worse case scenario, but at the same time, I've had to...maybe just to prepare myself. But until I'm told that there is nothing left to do, I will continue to have hope that I can carry one of my six embryos and I will try and look at all the positives that have come with this journey.

A major positive...all of you.