Lets start with the good. I just got off the phone with my OBGYN. I'm getting an ultrasound this cycle to check follicle growth and my uterine lining. I almost went all "Praise Jesus" on him! (and while a faithful person, I'm not really an "Oh, praise Jesus" kind a girl) Once my OPK starts to edge towards positive, I'm to call and they'll work me in. What a relief it was to hear him agree. Not only that, but he also agreed on my plan of taking off next cycle in preparation for the RE appointment. A month off (of meds, not TTC) should do a body good.
On to my other woes. The last evening of our vacation we had dinner reservations in Harbor Town, Hilton Head. We decided to walk around the marina area for a bit, so we went early. T grew up going to Hilton Head with his family every year. He remembered this singer/song writer that used to play underneath this big tree that they used to enjoy. I had no idea (while I should have since T was a kid then) that this literally was a family/children's entertainment. We walked up and there are tons of kids on the stage sitting waiting for this man to come out. All the parents were on the benches surrounding the tree. It was a little mini concert set up. Of course it's bittersweet for me. Watching all these kids run around, their parents laughing, what a great family event! I want that. I want to be there with my kids. He came out and I realized just how geared towards children this really was. It was super sweet. I was a tad emotional, but in a wistful way. Until he got to song number 3...and I wish I could remember it exactly, but it was something to the effect of "thank god for kids". Cue the tears, please! I'm talking full on crying in the middle of all this. T took my arm and said, our reservation is now, lets go enjoy our last evening (also our 11 year anniversary since our first date). Here's a little sample of Gregg Russell and all his family sweetness if you're curious about what I endured...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0449hTcBi-0
Our dinner was amazing. One of our favorites of Hilton Head. We had wine, I for the most part put the song and all the little kids out of my head. Then somewhere between dinner and dessert, we started discussing our pregnant friends and my friend that recently told me she was going to start trying after this month so she can have a spring baby...if only it were that easy. I may have even said that I hated that our friends were pregnant. I've not even been able to congratulate them on the pregnancy and she's 6 months along, I told him that made me sad I couldn't do that. (it's easier that they live in California...but regardless, I haven't)
T started making these faces like he was disgusted in what I was saying. He couldn't believe that I "hated" our friends. Well, #1, I didn't say that. It went down hill from there. I'm crying in the middle of my bread pudding, neither of us are speaking and we didn't, the rest of the night. When we went to sleep, he said, I thought we don't go to bed mad? I said we don't, but I'm not apologizing. He said neither am I. And that was it. The next day we drove 12 hours and never mentioned the night before other than he said he wants to discuss it with our therapist who's been trying to help us (me) with the grief and struggles of a miscarriage and TTC.
Last night was our appointment. I relayed the entire story to her and told her that I couldn't control the feelings that I have or the way I grieve over something I want, but don't have. Her response was MIND BLOWING. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to be around other pregnant women. She said but even if you're not around them you are still in the same position and the grief is the same. I couldn't make her understand that the bitterness I was feeling wasn't thrown in my face sitting with a non-pregnant friend vs. sitting with a pregnant friend. She also tried to blame my "anger" on the fact that my husband and I got married later in life. Like I was resenting him. He know feels like I do, regardless of the fact that has never crossed my mind. Like anyone, you think about all the years of "preventing" but I have never thought to myself, this is his fault that we didn't get married sooner. Who knows if we'd have even wanted to try any sooner regardless! She told me that she'd never seen me so angry. She said that she's never come across someone in my position resentful of other women's pregnancies. I told her that I'm very happy for all my friends that are having a baby. What's hard is to listen to all the wonderful stories of pregnancies that are happy and healthy when I don't have that, I didn't have that. It's not resentful as much as it just hurts. I was so upset by her lack of understanding and support. At the end of the day, I expected to be able to vent my frustrations and thoughts to my husband because if not him, who? I also expected to be able to talk about these to our therapist without feeling attacked. BTW, she even tried to blame it on my meds, as if no other TTC woman out there would have thoughts like this without being on meds...there is a whole forum of people on the world wide web that have feelings of envy over women that can get pregnant at the drop of a hat that are NOT on meds. I'm sure I am hormonal, but I doubt that's the sole cause of my feelings.
The one good thing, as we left (after NOT making another appointment) Trevor was completely falling all over me with apologies and promises to support me and whatever I'm feeling. He was so loving the rest of the evening. He even said that he couldn't believe that the therapist and I were on the brink of a straight up argument. Funny this started as a disagreement between us and he ended up on my side at the end our appointment!
Okay...I'm done venting over that, and I'm putting it out of my head. And to be clear, it makes me so happy to hear about my friends (in real life and online) getting pregnant, whether it's easily or difficult. That doesn't mean that it's not emotional at the same time and brings out all kinds of hurt and despair. Sheesh, after all this, can't I be entitled to my feelings?
On to happy news. Ultrasound most likely tomorrow or Friday!! Lets finally see what's going on in there!!