Monday, September 10, 2012

Still waiting...

I'm on cycle day 36 today. I'm 2 days past my last Provera and no AF in sight. This is the longest cycle I've had in a year and of course it's the one cycle that I want AF to show up more than anything. I just want to get started. If it's not one obstacle it's another.

I've been really down the past few days. Less about ttc, though that is always a part of it, more so, because I miss my mother. Going home to see my family (dad's side) only made that more obvious. While I love my dad and sisters, I feel out of place and isolated. I've never really fit in there. I think after these past few months what I've really wanted is to go to my mom, crawl in her lap and cry. I've got no one in my family that knows and understands or that I can even talk to about what's happening in my life right now and that makes me very, very sad.

Whether this is all so emotional right now because of my fertility issues or because tomorrow would have been my mom's 56th birthday, I don't know. Maybe both...most likely the latter. I think all of this has really shown me what an important part of my life she was and still is. I hope she knew that before she died.

I also have done an Ovarian Cancer walk/run every year since she died. This is the first year, that I just don't know if I can do it. It's in a few weeks and I haven't even tried to fundraise for it or put a team together. I think I just need to sit this year out.

I'll check back in when AF arrives. HOPEFULLY that's later this week and hopefully I'll be feeling a little more positive.

5 comments:

  1. This post made me break down bawling. We have quite a bit in common. My mother died of ovarian cancer as well, and she would have been 60 this year in Nov. This TTC journey is all the more difficult when you don't have a mom to call and sob like a baby, or to even ask more questions about family history or her experiences. It is never easy. The pain never goes away completely. It's simply not fair. My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel.

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    1. It's an awful disease and I'm so sorry that you've suffered from it as well. I was my mother's only child and sometimes I feel a little lost around my (half) sisters who still have their family in tact. It's like everyone else in my family has just moved on. Why wouldn't they...but I miss her every day. I cried in my car at lunch today. Just sucks. I know they'll always be days like this. You're absolutely right, it only makes it that much harder going through what we're going through. I obviously get it on so many levels. Thank you for the kind words.

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  2. P.S. I hope your new cycle starts soon!!!

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  3. I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to have had a parent die. I lost my dad as a little girl & don't have a relationship with my mom. Somedays I really wish I had someone who just understood me. That's why this blogging world has meant so much to me. I hope AF arrives soon and you start to feel better soon. Big hugs!

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    1. Thank you so much for the sweet words. It's crazy the support you can get from people you only know through the cyber world, but seems that's what I keep turning to these days. Started cramping a little this afternoon...really hoping that means this next cycle is on it's way.

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