"It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen; but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want"
Monday, June 24, 2013
Moment of truth time
I've taken a little mental break this past week. I've not been as active on threads and I've even gotten behind on some of my blogs. I've tried to catch up the past 30 minutes as we fly somewhere over Kansas.
We should be in Denver around 9:30 this evening. We'll be there for 21 hours. I feel like CCRM has such a reputation and so many people put their heart and soul (and bank account) on the line as a last resort. I certainly hope it's worth it for us.
I do even know what I want them to tell me. Do I want them to say, "just kidding, we totally think you have a shot at your eggs!" or at this point, do I just really want to hear that I can be successful with donor eggs.
I've had such a fear this past week that I'm going to hear that I need to give up. That it's not going to happen and I need to ready myself for a child-free life. I turn 36 in two weeks. I will officially have been trying to conceive for two solid years.
As we were boarding our flight today (Southwest--free for all boarding), a man and his daughter approached us and said that she would be flying for the first time alone. She's 13 (almost 14--because at that age, it's cooler to round up than round down, just wait youngster) and all I could think to as we sat in our seats, ready to take off, was that her father saw my husband and I and thought, they look like the kind of people that I can ask to watch out for my daughter...sit with her, help her with her bags. It may be silly, but at the same time, it was a nice feeling. I also hope one day that I have a teenage daughter to sit and chat to like this little girl. She's a cutie pie.
My trip to Santa Monica was great. I was super busy and loved staying on the beach and being able to walk to my office every day. I look forward to going out there more often as our office takes off at that location. It's a nice getaway from reality.
This weekend my sister is getting married. She's 10 years younger than me and it's hard to believe.
Can you tell? I'm trying hard to hope for tomorrow, but think of anything but infertility...
Okay, CCRM, here goes.
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Glad you could take a mental break.... sooo necessary sometimes. I'm so hopeful that your trip will renew your hope somehow- whether it be through donor eggs or use of your own- and bring you one step closer to getting off the infertility train. Can't wait to hear an update!ReplyDelete
I get it. I am on a break too. I'm still reading & commenting some but I need to collect my thoughts. As well as collect the pieces of my heart. I wish you all the best in your quest in Denver. I hope it brings you answers. Answers of some kind to help guide your path. XOXOReplyDelete
P. s. fellow cancer!!! I will be 35 next week. The fourth.
Eek! You're in Colorado RIGHT NOW! Hope that today is filled with peace and as stressfree as seven hours of testing can be! Thinking of you today! Excited to hear the news!ReplyDelete
Suzanne, I hope this trip to CCRM brings you tranquility. Praying that this is what you need to clear up the fog that is caused by this journey. Wishing you the best.ReplyDelete
Glad you took that mental break you needed and I don't think it's game over for you at all. I hope you leave Denver with renewed hope and faith that you can do this. *hugs* girl!!! I think the ten girl is a sign for things to come. Good luck!!ReplyDelete
Don't fear giving up, you are a strong woman and you have no reason to believe that you will have to live a child free life! There are always options... certainly not the options we originally imagined, but perhaps they will bring us the children we were always destined to have.ReplyDelete
I certainly never thought I'd have to turn to donor sperm (since everyone always says "as long as you have one!!") but since I've let go of the dream of having a child that was genetically linked to my husband and I, I have more space in my mind to dream about the children I WILL have someday... either by donor or adoption.
I'm not going to give up my dream of becoming a Mama nad I don't want you to either! xo
I'm thinking about you today! Hope you hear good news at CCRM today. I know the day will be draining for you and your husband. But I hope that you leave there, digest everything and have a renewed sense of hope! Hugs!ReplyDelete
I'm glad you got to catch a break. And very hopeful that CCRM has good news for you.ReplyDelete
Lots of prayers for your CCRM visit!!! Praying that the feelings of fear go away, as they are not from the Lord. Sounds like a busy week/weekend, but praying for a peace that overwhelms you and your husband!! hugs!ReplyDelete
Deep, deep breath. Yep, here goes everything.ReplyDelete
I'll be anxiously awaiting an update, hoping and praying you get good, encouraging news.
Sooooo excited to hear about your ODWU! Let us know how it went. I'm praying that you left with a renewed sense of hope! xoxoxoReplyDelete
by now your consult at CCRM has already happened. I really hope it went well, and that it gave your some hope. I think when one has received bad news over and over again, one always braces for more. But I would suspect that if you are told that your own eggs aren't workable, you will be a candidate for DE.ReplyDelete
I like Alice Domar's book (conquering infertility) for many reasons. One of them is that she states that if you want a child, you will find a way to have a child. You will find a way to have a child, Suzanne. I believe that.
Looking forward to your update. In the mean time, I hope you are enjoying the wedding (and having lots of wine!).