Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Why?

It's such a simple word, but can carry so much weight. How many times have you asked yourself, "why"?

Why can't I get pregnant when everyone else around me seems to be doing a dandy job of it without so much of a hint of struggle?

Why is everyone else's life moving on with happy memories and joy and we can't seem to move past the hell on earth that is infertility?

Why when we're prepared to do IVF and spend our life savings on whatever treatments available, is it still not an option?

Why when you realize that your best option most likely is the use of another woman's egg and start to come to terms with that, something else knocks you down?

Why has my life seemed to be filled with so much loss since such an early age? (Trust me, that's a whole other blog's worth)

Why does it seem I am not destined to be a mother even though I have felt in my heart for so long, that I was meant for that role.

So many questions today. So few answers.

I had asked my RE a few weeks ago if he would mind if I did a follow up estradiol and progesterone check on cycle day 3. Just for informational purposes since I'm not doing any sort of treatment right now. After two consecutive months of having elevated levels, I wanted to know if it was a fluke, or if this was an ongoing thing. My RE had said it was extremely rare for it to be ongoing, but said it was not unreasonable to test.

Cycle day 1 was Friday. Only 9 days after my egg retrieval. My shortest luteal phase ever. I was so concerned about my CCRM one day work up, but luckily, I'll still fall in the window of cycle day 5-13. Just barely. I'll be there on cycle day 12, one week from today.

I went in on Monday to my gynecologists office for blood work. I wanted to go to them because of all the lab confusion I had at the previous clinic I was being monitored. The results were not good.

Estradiol - 160
Progesterone - 3.5

So this now makes three months with elevated numbers. My progesterone basically looks like I ovulated throughout my entire cycle.

I just heard from my RE. He's as confused as I am because this is such an unusual situation. He doesn't want to mess with my hormones and they can return to normal on their own. He mentioned higher doses of birth control pill, Lupron or a few days of Ganirelix to try and stabilize the hormones if they don't regulate on their own.

The kicker...he would not want to proceed with a cycle of donor eggs without getting this hormonal imbalance corrected.

So what if it can't be corrected? What then?

I'm curious of what CCRM will say about all of this next week. After hearing from the doctor that I'm scheduled to see and being informed that my chances of a pregnancy with my own eggs, even with them, being less than 5% at this point, we had officially changed our ODWU to a donor egg consult. It was crystal clear that is the direction we should be going...but now?

I feel broken today. My body has let me down in so many ways. I'm on the verge of giving up, but then wonder, what will my life be like then? Will I feel a constant emptiness or will I finally move on one day? It's so hard to imagine either scenario.

I arrived in California today and I can't even seem to enjoy it. I thought a few days from home would take me away from the heartache. I should have known better...it's unfortunately with me always.

20 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Suzanne. I wish I had more words for you. But I'm feeling broken too. XOXOXO Big Hugs.

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  2. I think you hit the hammer on the nail with the question "Will I finally move on one day." I'm in my own battle against infertility and if all doors close I wonder when and how it stops. Deep in my heart something tells me it does get better with time, but I often find myself fearing/wondering the same thing. I don't think people have strong desires to be mothers and then never become mothers some way or another. Don't lose all hope, it's not over yet.

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  3. Oh Suzanne, I wish I could hug you right now. I know it seems like a terrible thing… but I'm glad you found this out now. Maybe it's nothing… but maybe it's a reason. Wait to see what CCRM says about these levels and maybe ask your RE at Chicago to check with the other RE's in the practice. My previous clinic was big on this… if my doctor was stumped, she'd ask for a second opinion before taking any more steps. I know everything looks so super duper dark right now, and I don't know where this path is taking you, but I still believe my friend, some day, some way, it's going to happen. BIG BIG BIG HUGS!

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  4. I am so sorry
    =(
    I wish I could donate my eggs to you...=(
    Not that it would make anything better...I am so sorry things have out turned out the way you planned...I can totally relate...I am working on "moving on" myself...very hard thing to do....but sometimes necessary. xxxxx's

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  5. I am so sorry. I wish it was easier for you. I too had to move to DE after being diagnosed with POF and it has not been an easy path. I wish you the best!

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  6. Suzanne, my heart is with you today. I'm so sorry for all that you're dealing with. I, too, ask myself those same "why" questions. Know you're not alone. I wish I could give you a great big hug today. Thinking of you, my friend! xoxo

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  7. Suzanne, I am so sorry for everything you are dealing with. I am also asking myself why is this happening to you. Why won't your levels just go back down to normal. I'm also curious what CCRM will say. I wish I could say something,do something, anything. Please know that you are really and truly in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. Oh Suzanne, I don't even know what to say! If I were there with you...and I really do wish I was...I would just give you a big hug and cry with you. Know that I am doing those things in my heart.

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  9. I am so glad you requested the tests in the first place, even though it just brought another set of unusual circumstances. I am just so sorry that nothing seems easy in this. It's one thing to have an IVF cycle not work, to come to grips with using donor eggs, but then to have to wait longer for more answers and to just have a normal starting point with your hormones...it's just not fair. I hope that CCRM gives you a path to take that will solve the elevated hormones once and for all so you can move on with trying again, knowing you are in a good solid place to start over.((HUGS))

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  10. My heart breaks for you. I really wish you didnt have to make these tough decisions. Hope all your questions are answered at your ODWU. Thinking of you!

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  11. I want to put the "you pieces" back together and bandage them up! But...sometimes theres nothing to do but walk through the pain. I hope that you're able to enjoy good company, good food, and good weather in Cali and that even just one thing makes you smile...maybe even laugh.

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  12. Oh, girl, I totally get it. I've had a bad case of the why's lately to. And, I can completely relate to wanting to give up, but not being sure where that leads me. My
    Heart is with you. I'm so sorry you keep getting bad news. It really, really freaking sucks.

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    1. On another, more positive note, while you're in Santa Monica I have a couple good, healthy places you should definately try. They both have great, healthy food at a decent price, and fun, positive atmospheres. True Food Kitchen in Santa Monica focuses on and anti-inflamitory and organic diet. We had their pizza on the gf crust and the squash casserole. Both were sooo good. Their kale-aid is amazing too. They also have a superb juice bar. Then, their is Cafe Gratitude in Venice. Their focus in on vegan and organic food. There are lots of fun and different foods. Its a positive atmosphere. We had the Hawaiian "pizza" and portabella marinara sandwich. Again, both were amazing.

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    2. Thanks for the food recommends!! I'm super close to True Food Kitchen. Will definitely check that one out at the very least. It sounds delish!!

      Your comments are always so kind. Thank you.

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  13. Oh sweet Suzanne, I hurt with you! Praying what the doctors tell you or what your hormone levels say does not give you a spirit of fear. Prayers that your trust would not be in them! For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7. This sermon helped me. It's called Why Bother? Hope it helps you too! Hugs! http://teamharriesbeatsinfertility.blogspot.com/2013/02/why-bother.html

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  14. Oh no. I'm so sorry you hit yet another road block. But I'm glad you asked for the test, and hope that you'll find an RE that knows what to do about this, and help you become a mother.
    Thinking of you.

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  15. Huge, giant, hugs to you. This journey is so hard. I can't wait to hear your update from your appt with CCRM. :)

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  16. This post absolutely breaks my heart. I'm so sorry for the constant disappointments. It hurts so much to have a broken body and dashed dreams. I hope that the sun shines through the dark clouds while you're in California. Hugs my friend.

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  17. That's really hard to swallow after all you've been through. I'm so sorry that a potential DE cycle now feels threatened.
    I would think though that your body has been through too much right now to be in balance. The good think about moving to DE is that there is time. You are not fighting against aging eggs.
    Keep fighting for your dreams. It's so worth it.

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  18. Suzanne, sorry to hear of yet another roadblock for you. My heart hurts for you and I wish there is something I could do to help you feel better. This journey is so hard, and even with IVF, it is not made easier for some of us. I truly believe that wanting to be a mother is a righteous desire and one that is worth fighting for. I am hopeful for you still that CCRM will be able to help you achieve this goal. Big hugs.

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