It's such a simple word, but can carry so much weight. How many times have you asked yourself, "why"?
Why can't I get pregnant when everyone else around me seems to be doing a dandy job of it without so much of a hint of struggle?
Why is everyone else's life moving on with happy memories and joy and we can't seem to move past the hell on earth that is infertility?
Why when we're prepared to do IVF and spend our life savings on whatever treatments available, is it still not an option?
Why when you realize that your best option most likely is the use of another woman's egg and start to come to terms with that, something else knocks you down?
Why has my life seemed to be filled with so much loss since such an early age? (Trust me, that's a whole other blog's worth)
Why does it seem I am not destined to be a mother even though I have felt in my heart for so long, that I was meant for that role.
So many questions today. So few answers.
I had asked my RE a few weeks ago if he would mind if I did a follow up estradiol and progesterone check on cycle day 3. Just for informational purposes since I'm not doing any sort of treatment right now. After two consecutive months of having elevated levels, I wanted to know if it was a fluke, or if this was an ongoing thing. My RE had said it was extremely rare for it to be ongoing, but said it was not unreasonable to test.
Cycle day 1 was Friday. Only 9 days after my egg retrieval. My shortest luteal phase ever. I was so concerned about my CCRM one day work up, but luckily, I'll still fall in the window of cycle day 5-13. Just barely. I'll be there on cycle day 12, one week from today.
I went in on Monday to my gynecologists office for blood work. I wanted to go to them because of all the lab confusion I had at the previous clinic I was being monitored. The results were not good.
Estradiol - 160
Progesterone - 3.5
So this now makes three months with elevated numbers. My progesterone basically looks like I ovulated throughout my entire cycle.
I just heard from my RE. He's as confused as I am because this is such an unusual situation. He doesn't want to mess with my hormones and they can return to normal on their own. He mentioned higher doses of birth control pill, Lupron or a few days of Ganirelix to try and stabilize the hormones if they don't regulate on their own.
The kicker...he would not want to proceed with a cycle of donor eggs without getting this hormonal imbalance corrected.
So what if it can't be corrected? What then?
I'm curious of what CCRM will say about all of this next week. After hearing from the doctor that I'm scheduled to see and being informed that my chances of a pregnancy with my own eggs, even with them, being less than 5% at this point, we had officially changed our ODWU to a donor egg consult. It was crystal clear that is the direction we should be going...but now?
I feel broken today. My body has let me down in so many ways. I'm on the verge of giving up, but then wonder, what will my life be like then? Will I feel a constant emptiness or will I finally move on one day? It's so hard to imagine either scenario.
I arrived in California today and I can't even seem to enjoy it. I thought a few days from home would take me away from the heartache. I should have known better...it's unfortunately with me always.