my birthday wish

How many birthday's have their been that I've had the constant ache for a child?

I know four years ago, I was so hopeful because we were officially "trying" around my birthday in 2011.

The following year, my birthday was one day before our first "would be due date".

In 2013, we found out I was again, naturally pregnant while on vacation the week of my birthday. And within a week, we knew it would end.

In 2014, I had so much hope...because of Kelly. And this year...this year...beyond my wildest dreams we've been given a gift. Three actually. So my only wish now is that they arrive safely in my arms. All of them. But that wish seems so selfish. When there are so many...just wishing for their one.

My true wish this year really goes beyond me. I have wishes for this journey to not just be over for me...but for my friends. For my friends that have gone through the same heartache, hurt and loss that I have. That ache every day to be called "mom". Because they deserve this too. And no matter how much they are hurting, they love me and support me. What is love people ask? That's love. Unconditional love of friends.

So her are my wishes for this 38th birthday:

That my dear friend at Dreaming of Diapers can follow in my footsteps...because we are kindred spirits and have so much in common in our journey. And because she too, deserves a miracle.

That Elena has a successful fourth cycle this month because she too, has worked so hard, and deserves to bring her child into the beautiful home they have built.

That God blesses sweet Caroline with the child that she remains faithful for. Because her love for him is real. Her faith is real. And her prayers deserve to be answered.

That Sarah continues to feel strength and hope in whatever direction she takes to finally become a mother. She's been hurting to long.

That Amber will realize that the loss of her twins is not her fault and that her babies love her, because they know...that she loved them.

That Amanda be blessed with not just Garrison, but a house full of babies for him to play with. Because I know that's what her heart desires.

That Ali should be blessed with another miracle. Because she's such a wonderful mother to her twins.

That JoJo, Jane, Risa and Aubrey have safe and healthy deliveries.

That Augusta finds all the strength and courage that she had through her years of infertility for this new and different road she travels. Because she's kind...and I want her to be happy.

That Pam and Julie C. continue to receive good news.

That Rebekah has a successful cycle at CCRM.

That Julie T. can keep her strength to get through these next few days so that she can push forward. Trust me. I know how hard that is to do.

That all my friends that have experienced losses this year continue to heal. My heart is with them always.

That all the new mom's that have waited so long continue to feel the joy and good health of their long-awaited babies.

That anyone else reading this blog, on this very difficult journey and still waiting and hoping for a miracle can believe...that it can and will happen.

This is what I wish today.

A sweet friend shared this with me today. And it seemed so appropriate. 

My Loves.

I needed to see them grow.

I needed to know they would both still be here.

They are.

Both of them. Both of my little loves.

With perfect growth and perfect heart beats. They are, well, perfect.

As Monday, we were 8 weeks and 4 days.

Baby A measures 8w3d and Baby B measures 8w5d. Their heart rates were 178 and 176.

I needed to see that growth from our 6 week ultrasound to now to feel comfortable announcing that there are two. That we are having not just a baby. But babies. I've always been okay with just one, but now...now, I want them both with my whole heart.

I hope they both continue to stick around. Cause I really, really want to meet them.

So many of you have asked about Kelly. She's amazing. She's having a lot of morning (well all day) sickness, but she had that with her other pregnancies and she's seriously, the most awesome trooper.

I'm also super excited that in 3 weeks, I'm going to Texas for our first OB appointment. We'll be 12 weeks at that point and I couldn't be more anxious to see them in person!

I've said it so many times before, but maybe I'll have to say it a million more times before this pregnancy is over...I'm grateful. So very grateful for Kelly, for my friends here, for my family and for my husband. It's not easy to be removed from the pregnancy. Luckily, Kelly and I chit-chat throughout the day on most days. I know her cravings and her aversions. I know how she's feeling. I've seen her cute little bump and as of later today, she'll even be recording their little heartbeats for me. So because of her...I am a part of each little moment of their lives from the very beginning...even if I can't be with them.

So yes...infertility be damned. I feel like a pretty luck girl.

It Was Finally Our Day

We're back home!!

I have to say…leaving was very emotional for me. So many wonderful things happened while we were in Colorado, that it was very hard to say goodbye.

My post last week recapped all the medical drama with ultrasounds, meds and fluid. This post, I'd like to recap all the great moments we had.

On Memorial Day, we took a day trip with our friends and family to the zoo in Colorado Springs.

Not sure this needs anymore explanation!! 

I also received this beautiful bouquet of flowers from my sweet friend, Amanda. Those of you who follow her blog, know her kindness and love is an inspiration. I especially loved that since we weren't staying at a hotel, she took a little extra initiative and conspired with my husband to make sure these got to me. Love her. Love her. Love her. They were beautiful right up until the day we came home.

One evening we were able to spend with some friends that I grew up with. We realized that we had known each other for 30 years!! These wonderful people were dear, dear friends of my mothers and it meant so much to be able to see them. It's such a lovely experience to be able to still have contact with people that were such an important part of your life when you were a child and to have them give such warmth and well wishes during a time when I needed it most. 

T's brother and his wife moved to Denver recently and we were able to see them most every day that we were in town. They're building a great life there and we're so happy for them. Reminds us how much we wish we lived closer to one another. They got up extra early on Friday to have a special "pre-transfer" breakfast with us. I could never thank them enough for being so supportive and loving to us during this time. 

I also was able to spend some quality time with my sister-in-law. We see each other over holidays, but it's not often that her and I get to really enjoy some good girl time together. We enjoyed long walks, mani/pedi's, shopping, talking and well, eating. I know how busy she is and was so grateful that she made us (ME) such a priority last week. I hope she knows how much I love her and how happy I am to call her a sister. 

We were in Denver for a solid 10 days. That's a long time away from home. It's also a long time to stay in a hotel room, especially when we're dealing with trying to work while in Colorado and being on bed rest and the cost of that kind of extended stay, etc. When we told our close friends that we'd be out there, there was no hesitation. Obviously, we'd stay with them. They're generosity and kindness to us during this time still overwhelms me. They have 3 children that are in their last few weeks of school, yet they welcomed us into their home, allowed us to disrupted their lives and routines and made us feel as comfortable as we would have been in our own home. There are no words for how thankful I am to have them as friends. People like this are rare these days. And not only them, but their children as well. Children that were so concerned about how much I "moved" while on bed rest and just curled up by my side for two days. These children melted my heart.  It's only been a day and I miss them so much. 

Finally my husband…what would I do without him? He's so kind, caring and best of all…he loves me to the moon (and back about a gazillion times). 

Hope he realizes that as much as he loves me, I love him about triple that. 

As I said before, the doctor said that the transfer went beautifully. Our 4AA thawed like a champ and if a miracle is possible, could be OUR baby. There's nothing I want more. Even with our low odds, I cling to hope that this is possible. 

Here's a few more pics documenting transfer day...

 

I even wore my mom's bracelet and ring all week for good luck. 

I tend to have a lot of anxiety. To the point that I sometimes have panic attacks or "nervous tummy syndrome"…as my bestie's daughter would say, "tummy pooptitis". Never fails. Important phones calls, doctors visits, ultrasounds, everything sends me into a nervous tizzy. 

Last week in what should have been my most nerve-wracking moments of my 3-year-trying-to-conceive history, I was the most relaxed and calm I've ever been. I credit all of the people above for giving me that wonderful gift. If anything, I was very emotional during the transfer...to have finally made it to that moment.

Our beta is scheduled for next Monday (6/9). I know that the trigger shot is still in my system, so at this point, I'm unsure if I'll try and test that out, or if I'll wait it out till Monday. 

TBD…

But we finally had our day, our moment…in one week, we'll see what comes of it...