Sunday, December 16, 2012

Bowling Alley Meltdown

Well, the internet was not my friend late last week. I spent way to much time and energy looking up FSH levels, IVF outcomes and donor egg information. Basically if my AMH level comes back low, then I may have trouble getting an RE (at least without going out of town) to do IVF with my own eggs.

I worked all day Thursday and Friday, and we had plans Thursday night. By Friday on my way home from work, I was pretty frazzled. When T got home, I collapsed in a puddle of sobs. He really wanted to meet some friends to go bowling that evening and  I wasn't sure it was a good idea. First of all, I felt sick, like I was coming down with a cold. I knew I also was in a rather "fragile" state. Regardless, I was determined to try and have a good evening out because I know he's been so supportive and we really haven't been doing much lately, mostly because of me. We ate dinner at home, then I got ready and we headed out. We got there early and put our name in. After getting drinks we sat there close to the lanes and the tears started to flow.

Good heavens, did they flow. I finally had to find a corner in the food area that I could face a wall, so no one would see the fact that I was full on sobbing again.

What happened next? Oh, we left. T called our friends, said it wasn't a good night and we went home. I felt awful, but T was awesome. I think I have held everything in the past several days that on Friday night my grief over the possibility that I may not have, at least a biological child of my own, kind of took over. Of course T said we don't even have the tests results yet. I need to relax until we know more. He also said that we would find a doctor wherever that takes us, that specializes in high FSH women to at least TRY with my eggs first.

Saturday and today have been much better. I've still had moments of being a little down, I still feel like I have a cold, but I was able to enjoy Christmas shopping and a little date night with my hubbers. Today's been the perfect Sunday couch day.

I don't know what the results will bring this week, but as my husband said, today is not the day to grieve.


  1. Jesse is the same way when I get a bit too irrational or emotional with stuff. I know I have a problem with Googling the process of our next step in case what we're doing now doesn't work. Jesse tells me to just be in the now. But I can't. I feel like researching and coming up with solutions to potential problems soothes my anxiety. And sometimes it does. Other times I am pretty sure it perpetuates it. Is there such a thing as being over educated in the infertility department? Ahhh.

  2. I'm right where you are right now where I just have to get it out in order to function. I keep going and going and keeping it in and it's breaking me down and I do understand your fears as I do have low AMH. I'm glad the results come in this week and I am praying that the number is pretty good. FSH is one that you can definitely improve on though, so hopefully you can bring that number down. Let it out though so you can move forward. *hugs*

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