It's really hard to say therapy and not automatically know that it's going to be one solid hour of tissues, sobs and tears. That's basically how it went. Being my first visit with her, I knew there would be a lot of history discussed. I've been told before that I have a lot of abandonment and loss "issues", she basically concurred.
So for those of you that remember my post from the summer where my old therapist basically told me I was ridiculous for have such bitter and difficult feelings toward friends and acquaintances that were expecting and how I left that appointment in a shaking rage of anger never to set foot in her office again? Well, the great thing is, this woman said quite the opposite. "If being around pregnant people is too hard, then avoid it, when possible." I can't help my feelings and if it helps me from dipping into that place of bitterness, then don't hang out with those friends. If they are true friends, they will understand that my mental well-being has to come first for me. Now, there are some that just can't be helped. I work with a friend that has known all about my journey over the past year and a half. She just found out she was pregnant a week ago, yet she continues to come in my office and complain about morning sickness and her digestive issues. It's hard to fathom how she doesn't realize that I am NOT the right confidant for her prenatal woes. She also keeps asking me, "so did this month work"?!?! Seriously, don't ask me. I think next week's session is going to have to be about how I explain (in a nice way) these, what would seem to ME to be obvious, actions are actually quite insensitive and to please leave me alone.
We talked a lot about my mother and how the grief and loss of my pregnancy last year and the difficulties in getting a BFP again have brought up the loss of my mother as if I had just lost her versus being 4 years ago. How sometimes I'm bitter and angry at other members of my family because I miss her and don't have that type of relationship with anyone else and really, that's what I want and need.
I told her how after ten years of dating T, I often worry that he's going to be discouraged with me. He knows how sad and down (dare I use the word depressed?) I am and have been for months, maybe more like a year and I can't seem to find a way to be ME again.
T was so glad that I made the effort to do this on my own. He's so supportive and absolutely amazing. I told her how very lucky I am to have him and sometimes wish that I could just put feelings of having a baby behind me and just live our lives together...happy.
He gave me a sweatshirt (early Christmas present) the other day that said "I am happy..." Today he mentioned doing a weekend trip to Ojai, California when he's out there for work in January. I started to cry when he mentioned that because I know how hard he's trying to put a smile on my face. I love him more than words for his constant awesomeness.
Update on this cycle. I'm 12 dpo and it's still a BFN. Not feeling very good about it at this point, but I'll continue to test till Friday.
Big flipping BOO.
I'm glad your new therapist is validating your feelings. That's great! About the girl at work. Quietly sit down with her and explain that while you are happy for her, you just don't want to talk about her pregnancy. End of story. Simple. I realize it's going to be a very difficult conversation (for you and/or her) BUT you gotta do it otherwise you'll be hearing about this for X-amount of months every day! OMG. Torture. I know you already know this. Hopefully you and your therapist come up with a game plan on that one. You have a right to have a safe "space" at work. You DH sounds AMAZING! I hope you go on that trip. And as for this cycle... sorry for the BFN. Hate that for you.ReplyDelete
I hope things turn around, cycle bud. I'm a BFN too do far. :( Hope we just have some later in the cycle BFPs.ReplyDelete
You are seriously making me want to start therapy. Your session sounds like it was so freeing! So glad your new lady is not a fruitcake like the last one too!ReplyDelete
So glad that the therapy session turned out so great. It is so good just to talk about this stuff and get it all out to a non-involved and impartial party sometimes!ReplyDelete
And your DH sounds like such a good guy. So glad that he is trying to do nice things for you and make you happy during this difficult time. IF sucks. But it is a little easier if you have a good man by your side. Sounds like you do.
Your new therapist sounds awesome! I think it's great to have someone who can help you sort out everything that you feel and a great outlet. It is so hard to deal with this and then the stuff from our past. YOu are doing amazing. You have a great man by your side and you will get this baby and come out healthier from the inside out. *hugs*ReplyDelete
My hubby left me a note on my desk the other day that was a hand-drawn picture of me, him and our two dogs (all stick-figures.) Underneath, he wrote "Happy Family." It really made me grin. I, too, often wish that I could just be 100% satisfied and happy with him and me and our pups. I'm glad your DH is so supportive and that it sounds like you've found a better therapist. Nothing is worse than a bad therapist in my mind!ReplyDelete