Monday, December 31, 2012

Saying goodbye to 2012

Last year on NYE I was waiting for my HCG to drop to 0. We toasted to 2012 being our year. Since we had conceived after only 3 months of TTC, we had no doubt that the next time, it would be right, it would happen. 2012. It was supposed to happen.

That wasn't the case. 2012 will go down as one of the hardest years I've ever endured rivaling only the 2008 when I watched my mother battle her illness and ultimately lose her battle in a matter of months.

At the same time, I struggle with being so down about 2012. After all, it was my second year of marriage to my love. My life with T is amazing and I'm beyond lucky. To say it's the worst year ever, discredits my life with him.

Month after month, I actually thought that a pregnancy could happen. I was so hopeful, so optimistic. Even as I made the decision to see an RE and move forward in our journey, our new doctor encouraged us. I believed his decisions and his judgement. I trusted him when he said I didn't need certain tests because of my response to meds. I trusted his decision to only do IUI's and meds every other month rather than charging forward more aggressively.

I've become bitter, angry, sad and unhappy. I was a pain in the ass over Christmas. My husband is so supportive and bends over backwards for me but I can't seem to let a second of the day not revolve around our fertility struggles. He wants more than anything for me to be happy. He continues to tell me that no matter what, it's going to work out. Whether we get pregnant with our eggs, donor eggs, choose to adopt or make the decision not to have children. He said our life...will work out. Why can't I believe that? I don't know how to get to the point of acceptance.

My doctor still hasn't called me. Other than the nurse telling me almost 2 weeks ago that my AMH was >.16 all I've had on medical advise was thanks to the internet. I have no idea what this journey holds for us and unfortunately it's not moving at a fast pace either. My temp has started to drop and my next cycle will start most likely tomorrow. Which means, with my doctor still out and not expected back until next Monday, I will be sitting out another cycle. My surgery is scheduled for February 1st (if that is even still happening) which means, another cycle gone. I have high FSH and very low AMH, yet no one but me is worried or in a hurry to get me pregnant with my eggs. I'm 35 years old. I just can't comprehend that I don't have any eggs left.

So the moral of 2012? It wasn't meant to be our year. It was even meant to be better than 2011. I chose the wrong RE and that has cost me months of precious time. Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and hopefully make a few better decisions to see what 2013 can bring.

Can it get worse? If this isn't rock bottom, then my heart may not be able to handle it.

Much love and please have a happy and safe New Years.

xo

3 comments:

  1. I just want to give you a big, giant hug. I am so incredibly sorry for all that has happened in 2012. I am hoping that 2012 was the year of discovery. Not the things you wanted to discover, but things you needed to in order to make your baby a reality. You discovered the RE you have wasn't the right one. Even if you like your next RE, I am betting you will question him/her a lot more and be more proactive in your care. Unfortunately medical personnel have taught me the same lesson. Being an MD doesn't mean you know more about me than me. You learned that having a baby isn't going to be easy and that you have high FSH and low AMH. You learned that even as you face one of the biggest challenges of you life, a challenge that will ultiamtely change you from the person you once knew into who knwos yet, T will still be with you and support you. You've learned that nothing will ultimately stand in the way of your dream.

    I know you don't feel much like celebrating. Believe me, I understand. I also know you are scared to hope, scared to know what's next, and wondering if a baby is at all possible. Please know that most women, even DOR women, do conceive. Yes, help will be needed, but ultimately you will know. I love BBC because the advice I get is true advice based on the experience of real women traveling my road. None of us gaines anything monetary through the advice we give. We only seek to help each other in hopes we all end up with our dream.

    I am praying that you will never feel like you do today. That now you know the information you never wanted to, 2013 will be the resolution to your IF and the year you conceive, and maybe even bring home, you child. *hugs*

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  2. Big hugs to you Suzanne. Even though I seem to be going through a positive patch, I totally relate to these feelings. I am staring down my 35th birthday and wondering if this will happen for me too sometime soon. I wish there was some definitive test that could tell me yes or no. Can I ever get pregnant or never? I hate this "well your odds are" BS. I am such a concrete, linear, black & white kind of a person. Wishy washy drives me bananas. It lacks the control I need to make a choice. Well, my thoughts & love are with you guys like it is all my bloggy friends everyday. XOXO

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  3. I'm sorry you've had a crappy holiday. I swear sometimes I feel like your blog is me talking! I too have a hard time not focusing every last minute on fertility and TTC and I know our spouses just want us to be US every once in a while. It's really hard not to let it overshadow everything else in life.

    I would be so pissed if my doctor was gone that long! Do you still feel this is the right doctor? Could your plan going forward change at all now that you have this new AMH info....like could IVF be the next step? I ask this because many RE's (including mine) would say that if you are going to do IVF anyways, a laparoscopy is unnecessary at that point. I was told that I could do a lap for diagnostic (and possible treatment purposes if they found something while in there) but that choosing to do IVF would make the lap pointless because you bypass the fallopian tubes altogether. Unless you know of some other anatomical issue. I know every RE is different, but might be something to bring up? I've heard from some women that the lap takes some recovery time, more time waiting to TTC again, and that it could be skipped if you're doing IVF anyways.

    I don't have all the answers and am certainly no dr. but might be something to ask about if this new info has you looking more closely at IVF now?

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