It's really hard to say therapy and not automatically know that it's going to be one solid hour of tissues, sobs and tears. That's basically how it went. Being my first visit with her, I knew there would be a lot of history discussed. I've been told before that I have a lot of abandonment and loss "issues", she basically concurred.
So for those of you that remember my post from the summer where my old therapist basically told me I was ridiculous for have such bitter and difficult feelings toward friends and acquaintances that were expecting and how I left that appointment in a shaking rage of anger never to set foot in her office again? Well, the great thing is, this woman said quite the opposite. "If being around pregnant people is too hard, then avoid it, when possible." I can't help my feelings and if it helps me from dipping into that place of bitterness, then don't hang out with those friends. If they are true friends, they will understand that my mental well-being has to come first for me. Now, there are some that just can't be helped. I work with a friend that has known all about my journey over the past year and a half. She just found out she was pregnant a week ago, yet she continues to come in my office and complain about morning sickness and her digestive issues. It's hard to fathom how she doesn't realize that I am NOT the right confidant for her prenatal woes. She also keeps asking me, "so did this month work"?!?! Seriously, don't ask me. I think next week's session is going to have to be about how I explain (in a nice way) these, what would seem to ME to be obvious, actions are actually quite insensitive and to please leave me alone.
We talked a lot about my mother and how the grief and loss of my pregnancy last year and the difficulties in getting a BFP again have brought up the loss of my mother as if I had just lost her versus being 4 years ago. How sometimes I'm bitter and angry at other members of my family because I miss her and don't have that type of relationship with anyone else and really, that's what I want and need.
I told her how after ten years of dating T, I often worry that he's going to be discouraged with me. He knows how sad and down (dare I use the word depressed?) I am and have been for months, maybe more like a year and I can't seem to find a way to be ME again.
T was so glad that I made the effort to do this on my own. He's so supportive and absolutely amazing. I told her how very lucky I am to have him and sometimes wish that I could just put feelings of having a baby behind me and just live our lives together...happy.
He gave me a sweatshirt (early Christmas present) the other day that said "I am happy..." Today he mentioned doing a weekend trip to Ojai, California when he's out there for work in January. I started to cry when he mentioned that because I know how hard he's trying to put a smile on my face. I love him more than words for his constant awesomeness.
Update on this cycle. I'm 12 dpo and it's still a BFN. Not feeling very good about it at this point, but I'll continue to test till Friday.
Big flipping BOO.