Thursday, January 3, 2013

Broken and asking for (more) help.

My last few posts have been riddled with anguish and bitterness. For that, I'm sorry.

Since receiving my AMH number three weeks ago, I've not received a call from my doctor. I've felt abandoned, lost and alone with nothing but a crap number and the internet for my mind to go in the worst possible directions.

What I didn't mention on my last post was that I left a voicemail with my OB on Monday. I've been with him for almost 9 years and I trust him. He called me back today and we had a nice long talk. I updated him on my hormone levels. I told him about the med responses I had with the IUI's. I told him of the lack of communication and testing that I've had with Dr. J. What he pointed out that was not consistent was the positive response I've had. While I do not have numbers that are preferred, he certainly does not think I'm at the point of passing me off to donor eggs. At least not yet.

He didn't say that I would get pregnant. I didn't expect him to. What he did was he listened to me. He gave me names of doctors in my area that I could try should I not want to travel out of my area. However, I'm planning on the Chicago consultation regardless. He was kind and he was compassionate which is what I've needed these past few weeks. I needed to talk to someone that I trusted and knew wasn't telling me something based on what would hurt the stats of a practice.

A bit of background. I have a history of severe depression when I was in my late teens/early twenties. For 12 years I have maintained a healthy, happy life. I was proud of myself 4 years ago when I "survived" the death of my mother without going back on meds.

I also know, when I'm staring depression in the face. I'm there. I'm drowning in it and I feel broken. I can't concentrate on work. I'm withdrawn from friends and family. I sob when I'm alone. Hell, last night I sobbed to my husband. I need help and more than just the therapy. I told my doctor this today and said I didn't know who to go to. He said I come to him. He's calling me in a prescription today and that it's okay to use medication and therapy to get through times like this.

I hope he's right and I hope this is a step in the right direction for some happier posts and a happier Suz.

Thank you everyone, for enduring and supporting. Much love.


  1. Hugs! I hope the meds help with your depression. I know how that goes. You can do this! You just need a little help.

  2. So glad you have a doctor who will listen and HELP! I'm sorry you've been feeling so low, but it's great that you can recognize it and know that you need help. I hope with the changes you are making (doctors, meds) that you'll be in a more optimistic spirit sooner rather than later! :)

  3. i was diagnosed with situational depression surrounding treatment... and i'd never had issues with depression before in my life. seeing the psychologist at my fertility clinic did help - she was able to help me deal with the specific issues and feelings that i was having surrounding treatment and infertility.

    she also told me to do whatever you need to do to get through this... it is a life crisis and should be treated as no less. for some reason that really helped me feel better... that it was okay to be depressed and always crying and to lack the energy and will to even get up in the morning or do any more at work than sit there and stare at my screen.

    the thing i remember most clearly was when i said "how do i go on every day when i don't even have a clean pair of pants because i can't bring myself to do laundry" and she said "you go buy a new pair of pants, if that's what it takes to get through it". i've been a lot kinder to myself since then.

  4. I am sending you a big hug. Your doctor is right. It is ok for you to need some help. I feel this way sometimes too. I have thrown around the idea of seeing a therapist and the only thing stopping me is I don't know how you find a good one. We are all always here to offer you love and support. XOXO

  5. Just now catching up. Good for you for making that phone call to your OB. I think it's a step in the right direction, friend.

  6. Suzanne, I just want to hug you right now. Your RE is a piece of shit. Just sayin'.... I'm so glad you talked to your OB and that he is supporting you and even more glad you are seeing a diff RE and looking at your options. I have seen women with very high FSH, low AMH, and in their late 30s conceive. Please try to have hope and believe. If you will try I will try too. You just need to find the right doctor who will work with you. You do respond good to meds, that's the first step. *hugs*

  7. Glad you've got such a good relationship with your OB and glad you're getting help. I've dealt with major depression for the past 20 years and so appreciate your willingness to share. I truly believe that medication (and therapy) can be a life-saver and while I know its not ideal to be on medication while dealing with infertility, when it's necessary, it's necessary. Way more important that we stay healthy! Take care!