My last few posts have been riddled with anguish and bitterness. For that, I'm sorry.
Since receiving my AMH number three weeks ago, I've not received a call from my doctor. I've felt abandoned, lost and alone with nothing but a crap number and the internet for my mind to go in the worst possible directions.
What I didn't mention on my last post was that I left a voicemail with my OB on Monday. I've been with him for almost 9 years and I trust him. He called me back today and we had a nice long talk. I updated him on my hormone levels. I told him about the med responses I had with the IUI's. I told him of the lack of communication and testing that I've had with Dr. J. What he pointed out that was not consistent was the positive response I've had. While I do not have numbers that are preferred, he certainly does not think I'm at the point of passing me off to donor eggs. At least not yet.
He didn't say that I would get pregnant. I didn't expect him to. What he did was he listened to me. He gave me names of doctors in my area that I could try should I not want to travel out of my area. However, I'm planning on the Chicago consultation regardless. He was kind and he was compassionate which is what I've needed these past few weeks. I needed to talk to someone that I trusted and knew wasn't telling me something based on what would hurt the stats of a practice.
A bit of background. I have a history of severe depression when I was in my late teens/early twenties. For 12 years I have maintained a healthy, happy life. I was proud of myself 4 years ago when I "survived" the death of my mother without going back on meds.
I also know, when I'm staring depression in the face. I'm there. I'm drowning in it and I feel broken. I can't concentrate on work. I'm withdrawn from friends and family. I sob when I'm alone. Hell, last night I sobbed to my husband. I need help and more than just the therapy. I told my doctor this today and said I didn't know who to go to. He said I come to him. He's calling me in a prescription today and that it's okay to use medication and therapy to get through times like this.
I hope he's right and I hope this is a step in the right direction for some happier posts and a happier Suz.
Thank you everyone, for enduring and supporting. Much love.