Thursday, April 25, 2013

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I keep telling myself things are getting better. Things are going to turn around. We're taking everything that comes at us and I'm doing my best to just keep up.

We've been waiting for my estradiol to drop. I've been on the birth control pills for 4 weeks. Tuesday was my very last day, no matter what happened with my blood draw yesterday. The past 3 blood draws have shown a slow but steady decrease in my e2. Until yesterday. My e2 went back up to 144 from 125. 

What does this mean? It means my body is not cooperating. It means my body has basically said f-you to the pill. It probably means, I have a cyst. It definitely means, I'm still not ready to start my IVF cycle. 

I'm currently waiting for my period to start. Once it does, I'll schedule a baseline. If by some miracle, everything looks good, we'll start everything on cycle day 5. If it shows a cyst or elevated estradiol still, we'll be moving on to "something else". I don't yet know what "something else" is. 

That's where I am right now. Just stuck. In limbo. 

I want to tell all of you, my friends that I have never met, how much your comments on my last post meant to me. Each one of them made me cry happy tears because I am truly lucky to have you all in my life. Everyone of you knows what it's like to be where I am. You lift me up with your kind words and push me forward. 

Thank you.

I also want anyone that hasn't visited Em at Teach Me To Braid to read this post. She so very eloquently expresses the pain and sorrow of infertility. I sometimes wonder if she's reading my mind...


  1. No! This. just. sucks! I'm sorry that your body doesn't want to cooperate :(
    But I'm glad that your clinic is monitoring you closely and doesn't start stims until you are truly ready.
    FX that AF shows up soon and you can finally get this show on the road. xoxo

  2. Come on now! Your body is frustrating me! So sorry Suzanne, this is just not fair. I know that your baby is out there somewhere and you will get the right "one". Such a long journey and so hard to keep going when you have endured so much. You are an inspiration and you are a fighter. Don't lose that fight girl!

  3. Nooooo! What the heck Suzanne's body?!?!? I'm so sorry girl! This just sucks! I'm really hopeful that the period comes soon (who hopes that?) and that there are NO CYSTS! Hang in there! I'm thinking of you!

  4. I'm so sorry! I wish I could give you a big, big hug right now. I'm not giving up hope for you, that somehow you'll be starting everything on CD 5. xoxoxo

  5. I'm sad for you. You're just standing there at the end of the diving board, ready to jump into the IVF pool.....but you can't. How F'ing frustrating for you guys. I hope this starts moving ahead soon, friend. Hang in there.

  6. Holy Crap! Seriously, I'm so so frustrated for you! I'm so sorry you're stuck in limbo. Limbo is the worst! Being stuck and not being able to move forward, and no idea WHEN you will be able to move forward is maddening and depressing. Please do your best to stay strong.... you are an amazingly strong person and I know something's gotta give for you.... hopefully sooner than later. xoxoxox

  7. Ugh! Hoping this repairs itself quickly! Sometimes our bodies havea mind of their own!!! Fingers crossed Hun! Stay strong! Don't lose hope!!

  8. I am so sorry for everything you are dealing with. I know it's been one nightmare after another for quite a few months now, heck, since before this year even got started, but I'm hoping your body resets itself soon so you can finally get this IVF cycle going. *hugs*

  9. Oh Suzanne...I feel like my heart is just cracking in half! I'm so sorry for this disappointing (maddening!) news. I wish things were different right now. I wish that your body was cooperating. I hope that a miracle will happen even. I pray that you will be able to get started with your IVF cycle. Abiding with you in this...

    (And thanks so much for linking to my post. I'm glad it struck a chord with you.)

  10. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!

  11. The patience you are going to have as a mother is going to be unsurpassed by any other mother on this entire planet. Seriously! I hope that your period is going to reset your body, get rid of any lingering cysts, and that you will have a fresh slate to deal with already. You deserve a special place in heaven for all that you have gone through, especially the last few months. I seriously think you deserve a medal at this point!

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