Thursday, May 31, 2012

Time to reign it in a bit

I'll start with this cycle isn't over for me yet. I'm only 5 dpo. Though my confidence is a bit shattered this cycle. This is actually why our plan over the next couple months is a good thing.

I may have never mentioned this. I'm an accountant by trade. A controller at an advertising agency. In my job, I live and breathe numbers. Numbers to me are very black and white. When numbers don't make sense, they send me into a tailspin. Because of this, I'm not sure Ovacue was the right monitor for me. Don't get me wrong. It seems to have accurately detected ovulation on the same day as my temps and OPK's on my past cycles. However, it comes with a lot of analysis. When the numbers don't look as they should, it's extremely disheartening. At 5 dpo, I should be thinking about how slow the clocks is ticking during this 2ww. Certainly not that my cycle is over and done and I should be moving on, because my Ovacue readings seem to indicate that. Whether they mean that at all, who knows. This is the anxiety that it has caused, regardless.

We leave for a 12 day vacation in July. We're going to Savannah and Hilton Head and I cannot wait. I'm looking forward to the first vacation just my husband and I since our honeymoon last June. I'm looking forward to us celebrating 11 years together. I'm looking forward to celebrating my birthday, just us. I'm looking forward to not being at home the day after my birthday...my would be due date. As we start planning little details like reservations at restaurants and so forth, I came to a decision.

We're taking the month of June off. Don't get me wrong, there won't be protected sex, I'm sure of it. But there won't be monitors, temping, OPK's. Zilch. If this cycle doesn't work. I want to enjoy my vacation. That just so happens to be a  potential fertile time for us, if my cycles remain as they have. I want to eat raw fish. I want to drink fruity frozen drinks and drink the best red wine I can find. I want to kick off my heels and have FUN! It's one month off. If we happen to get pregnant "not trying" even better. My husband actually is really excited about the no monitors and pee sticks and wait for it...sex that isn't so scheduled out. I'm undecided about Clomid for another cycle. I'll wait and speak to my doctor about that once we know the outcome of this cycle.

I think it's a much needed breather, during a sad time for me. I thought for sure I'd be pregnant by the time my due date came around. I feel good about all of this. I really, really do.

33 days and counting till vacay.

On a side note, I'd like to say that I had a rare moment of pure joy over hearing about another women's pregnancy. I "met" her on the Ovacue forum and follow her blog. After a miscarriage in November as well, and the ups and downs that come with that, she got her BFP this week. It's been so hard to hear about pregnancies popping up left and right...this news...was not hard to hear at all. I'm so happy for her and her husband and I'm wishing her a healthy and happy pregnancy. Thanks for giving me the hope that this will happen for me!

5 comments:

  1. Oh Suzanne, a break and vacation sounds like just the ticket right about now. It's so hard to be "on" all the time... the POAS, the scheduled BBD, the analyzing and fretting... And summer is the perfect time to be focusing on just you guys!!You deserve the R&R, no doubt about it.

    Your feelings about the Ovacue are exactly what I was hoping to avoid, which is why I always hesitated about temping and whatnot. I know for me, it's too easy to start focusing on all the little details, and then I'd start to freak out if things went awry or thought that I was already out of the game. It's SO hard to find that balance of being informed and letting it dictate how your day is gonna go. I never knew that TTC could ever be this difficult. Or scary. Or nerve-wracking.

    Your vacation sounds glorious!! Will you eat at Lady and Sons in Savannah? Do any haunted bar tours? I went to Hilton Head with my family when it was in high school, and it was one of my favorite vacations. We rented a house right across the street from the beach. Being that close to the ocean every day was wonderful (especially for this midwestern girl... LOL!).

    My due date is looming as well... June 29. I usually work from home on Fridays, but I think I'm going to take that day off. I'm hoping I'll be OK, but I don't want to be sitting in front of my computer all day regardless. I'd love to paint our master bathroom or tackle some other home project. Bring a positive spin to a day that will undoubtedly be emotional.

    I total agree... while it can be difficult to hear about all the pregnancies around me, there are some that bring me so much joy. My neighbor, who at 39 just had her first child, struggled with miscarriages for years. The day she was to get her trigger shot is the day she found out about her BFP. She encountered some obstacles along the way, but she finally had her little girl two weeks ago. And when I saw her out for a walk holding Stella, I felt nothing but joy.

    Thanks for sharing your journey on this blog! I know it's helped me tremendously to know that I'm not alone.

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  2. Hi!! Wanted to check in and see how you are doing. 2ww almost over for us. Just a few more days. One way or the other I'll be glad to move forward! I don't feel anything. So I'm not holding out much hope. I've been crazy bloated the last 2 days, but that's about it.

    As far as vacation, I've been doing my research the past few days the different restaurants. I've looked at Lady and Sons, but there are a few others that I'm deciding between. We're in Savannah for 2 nights. I'm looking at Sapphire Grill, Ele and Local 11 Ten as well. Vacay can't come fast enough. We've got lots of family stuff the next few weeks, so it will be nice to have that quality time together. Our 1st wedding anniversary is next week and it's kind of bookended by family weekends. UGH! Guess we'll be celebrating on a Tuesday night!

    When are you planning on testing? I'm going to try to hold out till Wednesday, we'll see if I actually can make it!

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  3. Hi Suzanne! I'm doing ok. While I'm kinda glad the 2ww is almost done, I'm also feeling that same ol' angsty feeling. I started feeling the back crampiness about mid-week. I normally don't feel AF symptoms that early, but I guess I probably now have a "new normal" since the miscarriage and stuff. (Cripes, did that sound like an Activa commercial? Damn Jamie Lee Curtis... LOL) Other than that, not sure if I feel anything else. Boobs may be a little sore, but that could be due to the fact that I keep bouncing around to see if i can feel anything. ;-) Sigh. At least I'm not spotting as of right now. That was the one thing I was nervous about this cycle. So far so good.

    I know I'm starting to get nervous because I started cleaning like a mad woman today. Not just regular weekly cleaning... The kind where you pull out the toothpicks and Q tips to clean out crevices. Bah!!! Can we fast forward to Friday?

    Not sure what day I will test... Thursday will be CD29 for me, so maybe Friday if AF hasn't shown up yet? I've never tested early before. What day are you testing?

    You'll have to let me know what restaurants you pick! I totally want to go to Charleston SC someday, only to have a slice of coconut cake at a famous restaurant there. Can't remember what it's called offhand. I loooooooooooove coconut. I'm a total destination foodie-type girl. LOL

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  4. I love that you're "bouncing around"! I haven't tried that method. Instead I just start poking around them...no soreness for me.

    My cycles are typically only 25-26 days long. I ovulated late this cycle, so I would guess they would be longer, but I'm not good at waiting. I'll probably start testing tomorrow. When I got pregnant last fall I received my BFP 10 dpo. That would be tomorrow. I am not a patient person. I have to know everything all the time. Probably why I do so much monitoring. The numbers may drive me crazy sometimes, but at the end of the day, I like knowing every little detail of what's going on with my body. My temp keeps rising. That's good I think. As long as it doesn't start dropping over the next few days. My ovacue readings have been more steady the past 4-5 days as well, so I'm not as stressed as I was last week.

    I've been tossing the idea around in my head about convincing Trevor to take a day trip to Charleston. I've always wanted to go there too. I LOVE looking for the best restaurants when we travel. I'm a total foodie. I typically have our meals and reservations all planned out well before we leave for vacays. Some may say why plan, but I can certainly counter that we have never had a bad meal on vacation!! We LOVE all the food shows, Top Chef, etc. We totally stalk the restaurants of the chefs we like!! If we end up swinging by Charleston, I may have to get you to think up that restaurant name!

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  5. The bouncing around is quite an art form... Must do it subtlely so that no one knows what you're doing. LOL! I suppose poking is a heck of a lot easier... Clearly I like to make things harder than they need to be. ;-)

    Ack, tomorrow!!! I get soooooo nervous when I know it's time to test. I'm too chicken to test early.... I'm KMFX for you and will be checking in!

    Right now I'm feeling a little bloated and blah. Maybe crampy... Hard to tell. Bet she's on her way. Crud. I let myself get my hopes up over the weekend since I felt all that lower back cramping last week. If AF is coming, I wish she'd just get it over with. The waiting really sucks. Not sure what's worse... Seeing AF arrive or a BFN.

    It's the Peninsula Grill!! I Googled it. LOL! Check out their site... Totally drooled over the pic of the coconut cake. I'm addicted to Top Chef!!! I really want to go to Girl and the Goat in Chicago. I've been to Sable Kitchen and Bar. The sweet corn creme brûlée was heavenly! Too bad Chef Heather acted like a total bag on the last season of TC. Are you watching The Next Food Network Star?

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