Thursday, June 28, 2012

Patience is not one of my better qualities

I'm struggling a bit today. I'm 5 dpo, so testing is still at a minimum almost a week away. I want to know right now and it's bothering me so much that it's out of my control. I feel that I have so much riding on this cycle. I guess I'll feel pretty discouraged if it's a BFN mainly because we nailed the 3 days prior to O, O day, and the 2 days following. That along with the Clomid, I guess I feel if it doesn't work, there is obviously an issue, especially since I know I'm responding well to the Clomid.

Another reason I have so much riding on this month, aside from my would be due date that is now 11 days away, the next few months, we aren't going to be able to put the effort in like we did this cycle. T travels in what could potentially (if my next cycle is "normal") be my fertile window. While it will be possible, he'll only be gone for 2 days, I know that it will lessen our chances. The following month, again, only if my cycles stay regular, he'll be gone for 3-6 days around my fertile window. Might as well take the month of August off of Clomid.

Needless to say, my patience (any that I had remaining) is pretty much gone. I recently came across a book (thank you, Danielle) that seemed almost too perfect for me. DH bought me a Kindle for my birthday (which is still a week away) and he wanted me to load a few books on it prior to vacation, then he'd wrap it up and give it to me on the 8th. I downloaded The Impatient Women's Guide to Getting Pregnant. I read a bit of it yesterday as I got my hair done, and I have to say, it may be my favorite of all the fertility books I've read. It's simply hilarious. Well written, witty and above all us, describes me to a T. I'm hoping Trevor doesn't take my Kindle away between now and my birthday, because I'm not sure I can stop reading it now. He has to know this is a very "impatient" time for me and I need all the help and support I can get, which = early birthday present. Everyone is happy.

Vacation in 5 days.


  1. LOL!! Love that you are reading that book. It's scary how much I identify with it. Seriously, it's like she's inside my head. I have it on my Nook and find myself going back to it on occasion to re-read something. And I love that she included info about the CBEFM, which I use.
    I admit to struggling a bit myself today. In fact, it's been all week. Been laying low and staying off BBC completely. This is definitely not the week for me to be reading about someone else's BFP. My due date is tomorrow and I feel like a hot mess. My poor friend Anne, who is also my jewelry partner... we work at the same full-time job, so we see each other all the time. She just got back from vacation and stopped by my cube to see how I was doing, and I basically just dumped on her. It was like word vomit... I couldn't stop. Welcome back from vacay! Now let me tell you the seven hundred different ways that my life sucks! But she knows the deal. She's one of the few friends who has stuck through it since we got the news in December and hasn't made me feel like I need to "get over it." Do they make Hallmark cards for that? Perhaps “thank you for being my friend even though I’ve been sad sack during and after my miscarriage?”  
    I got angry at my husband last night. Thought the plan for Friday was to do some major house cleaning/updating/whatever, but now he's being wishy-washy about it. Sigh. I need to stay busy tomorrow. Like seriously sweaty busy. Need to feel like something is getting accomplished. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll crumble. If I can't fix our current situation, then I need to fix something else. And if that manifests into a repainted closet or a reorganized bathroom cupboard, so be it.
    I know what you mean. Already resigned myself to the BFN next week. Should get AF on Tuesday. And even though I've already surrendered, I know it's just gonna kill me despite convincing myself that I’ll be OK when she arrives in full force. What good is timing everything if it doesn't do a dam bit of good? Didn’t even both with SMEP this month. Focused on DTD prior to my peak/+OPK, emphasis on my last high day and first day of peak (per Impatient author and her info about timing the BD and using the CBEFM. Really wanted to dance morning of peak instead of evening, but it just didn’t work out. Had to settle for lunchtime. And second day of peak was a total bust, so I gave up after that. My poor husband is just too worn out for it. It’s hard for both of us, and it makes me sad to think we may have missed the window.
    I was puttering around on Google last weekend and ready some info about increasing CM. One suggestion was “drink lots of water.” Duh. But there’s the thing… when I use the stupid OPKs, I hold my urine for three to four hours at a time, and I also limit my water intake. And I test twice a day when I’m close to mid-cycle. So how am I supposed to limit how much I drink so as not ruin the test results AND drink a shitload of water to increase my CM at the same effing time?? It’s maddening. I’m frustrated. And I’m frustrated that I’m frustrated, ‘cuz that means I’m cranky. Crankiness is a clear-cut sign of AF for me. She’s coming. I know it. And I can’t do anything about it. I did take Mucinex and we used Preseed as a lube, so hopefully that made up for my less-than-stellar water intake.
    Went in for my blood draw over lunch. Hope I don’t have to wait until next Monday to hear if I Oed or not. Can we just fast-forward to next Tuesday? I just want to get AF over with.

    Ugh, so sorry to hear that July and August could be dicey for planning purposes due to travel. Totally understand the sense of urgency for this cycle. KMFX that the Clomid came through with flying colors and you won’t need to worry about it!!!

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